October 29, 2011
Accepting that I Am Not God 1
This is tough for me to write but not as tough as it was to see it or accept. (My sponsor is going to be thrilled. LOL)
I finished Step 4 in Al-Anon a few weeks ago. One of the things that was revealed to me during this process is that I have a habit of trying to be another person’s Higher Power. And I tried to deny if over and over again. My sponsor even asked me a year ago, “Do you believe he has a higher power? And do you think you’re it?” I immediately answered, “No.” because I knew I wasn’t it. But, boy, did I sure try to be.
In my relationships with my qualifiers, when they were struggling, I often felt dismissed or unimportant when they wouldn’t lean on me for comfort and share with me their trials. I felt they were trying to keep something from me or keep me at arm’s reach which led to trust issues in the relationship. I felt if he would share what was going on with me, then I could help him work through anything! So, my focus became them- which also made the relationship my Higher Power for a time. It was a vicious cycle. If he was OK, then I was OK. But I had to make sure he stayed OK so that I could be as well.
This is how I envision the conversation between my Higher Power and my qualifiers’:
“You know, your girl Tami is trying to take my place again.”
“(Sigh) I know. We’re working on that.”
“You want me to remove her from the equation?”
“No, not yet. I need her to be able to see it herself if she’s ever going to break this cycle.”
I laid a firm foundation in Step 2 and 3, when I came to believe and trust my Higher Power. Step 4 revealed the things I needed to work on and improve in order to benefit from those two steps. The revelation that I feel the need to save my qualifiers from their lives of misery was powerful and disheartening. A veil had been lifted. My Higher Power knew what was happening well before I did. It was a humbling experience to see that perhaps they weren’t removed from my life so I could get better, but maybe I was removed from their lives so their Higher Power could do the work in them that I was interfering with.
Either way, I am grateful for a power greater than myself which is unfailing and ready for the job. My goals, now, are to continue to tap into my Higher Power and put my full trust in Him while I apply the principles of the Al-Anon program to my daily life. I am also taking at least a six-month hiatus from any intimate relationships to give my Higher Power and I time to sort some things out.
Nov 06, 2011 @ 14:20:02
Wow, so true. I’m an alcoholic but I’ve also been that other person trying to save, trying to control, trying to be GOD. On the other end I’ve also had people who have tried to be that for me as well. They tried to control my alcoholism and make everything”right” but neither ever worked.