July 8, 2011
Of all the things in all the world to which one could be addicted, who ever thought that being addicted to Amazon would be among them? Thinking back on it, at least for myself, it makes total sense. After all, isn’t instant, or near instant, gratification a typical trait for an addicted personality?
For now, I’ll spare you the litany of my addictions and just let you know that there is a great likelihood that I have or will become addicted to anything in the Universe. Strange that I’m not addicted to gambling, isn’t it. But, I digress.
When Amazon opened their doors in 1995, I began to browse there almost immediately. It wasn’t long before I had a shopping cart full of items. If I remember correctly, the shipping charge remained static so that I was encouraged to buy more and get a bigger bang for my buck (so to speak).
For me, hitting that “Place your order” button for the first time, was like an addict’s first hit of crack, heroin, or meth. I was hooked like a fish immediately. Soon, I was buying anything and everything on
Amazon. I was in heaven. Hit the button and, presto, a few days later the item would magically appear at my door. Why go to a bookstore? Presto! Why go to a music store? Presto! David Copperfield could make things disappear into thin air but I was better. I could make thin air produce books, CDs, and DVDs.
It wasn’t totally magical, the bills had to be paid. That’s why they developed credit cards. Presto!
Soon, smart Amazon became smarter. They decided to offer free shipping on orders totaling over $25. Presto! Those annoying shipping charges weren’t going to get in my way anymore.
Then they added items that they weren’t even selling out of their “store.” I could buy competing items from other retailers, but no free shipping. Hmmm, back to Amazon’s product line. Presto!
Next, Amazon morphed into their current iteration where if I paid them $79 per year, they would let me buy any amount of merchandise with absolutely no shipping charges. Presto! Big containers of food, a vacuum, a treadmill, and even a very large grill appeared. Oh, and sex toys too! That’s
right, sex toys too.
Finally, while in the grip of some other addictions and depression, I began to truly lose control. Amazon made it easy. Now they had something called “One Click.” This meant that all you had to do to purchase an item was to click a single button at the top of the page and, guess what? PRESTO all over again.
I started collecting things. Of watches, I bought six. My wife had me return four. Of assisted opening knives (very like switchblades) I bought eight. Hey, I lost one. The list went on and on. Kindle books, digital mp3′s, you name it I bought it. Did I mention sex toys?
Finally, following a brief trip to a rehab, my wife sat me down and told me no more Amazon. What? No more, Presto!? Well I guess she was right. You see, I’ve maxed out my credit cards and we have enough money in the bank to barely even pay the bills I already ran up. There is no more, the well is dry. She was right, no more Amazon.
Well, not entirely. I am allowed to shop there for sanctioned items like ink for printers, books for presents, replacement parts for our wet-vac, you know, what normal people may buy there. I would imagine many normal people have actually never had the thrill of Presto. I miss it still…
So, yes, I have been and am addicted to Amazon and, as far as I know, there is no twelve-step program available for recovery. The only rehab I know is at the end of a small foot belonging to my wife and planted on my posterior!