November 4, 2011

An Angry, Bitter Person ¹

by Recovering Angel • Recovery • Tags: amends, anger, relationships

My spouse called me an angry, bitter person last night. It had been a long time since anybody had called me that… to my face.

I was deeply hurt. The best I managed to do was to call him a coward. Hurt people hurt people, right?

Over the past two years I’ve been working hard on transforming myself into a compassionate and loving person. And to be called an angry, bitter person was unexpected.

We decided we needed a time out so I proceeded to go to sleep. I said my prayers but I was too upset. My spouse was already fast asleep while I was resentful at him. How rude!

I figured out what my part was in this but I was not ready to let it go. I knew I had to apologize but my head started to spin with thoughts like “He never admits when he’s wrong!”, “He doesn’t appreciate me”, “Why should I take the first step?”

I realized I should have taken the first step because I no longer want to be right all the time, I want to be happy; because I appreciate my peace of mind over keeping score.

I wish I could tell you that I took the first step. I wish I could tell you that I did not tell him to get away from me when he tried to spoon me in the morning.

I still refuse to be defined by my behavior. I am not an angry, bitter person; I am a human being who doesn’t anguish endlessly for not being perfect anymore.

Did I make a mistake? Yes.
Does that make me a horrible human being? No.

I got up from bed to make amends but he had already left. I called him but got his voicemail. I guess I’ll be eating crow later on.