September 10, 2011
Lurking Demons- Friend or Foe? 2
I struggle with perfection, as I have heard is common in Al-Anon. If I perform a task, I will micro-analyze it to see how I could have done it better. Every meal I cook could taste better, every conversation I have… the list goes on and on.
I also struggle with determining which of these self-criticisms I should take to heart. Currently, this resides in when my children are involved. Do I talk to them enough? Am I present when I am with them or squirreling about in my own mind “Uh-huh”ing them until they get bored and wander off? As a divorced mother of two, I always seem to have something to do or am in need of alone time to unwind and be still. I’m looking for that happy medium.
On the way home tonight, I had a sledge-hammer drop on my chest with guilt of how I have been shuffling my kids to the side this week. Granted, I have been ill; they know that and have been very sympathetic toward me. However, this is where the old demons flew into the car and rode with me the whole way home. You’re failing them; you can’t even have a conversation with them without running through a list of things in your mind; how many times did your daughter ask you to scrapbook with her? Your son just wanted you to watch him play Wii. It upset me so much, I called my children (who were at their dad’s house) just to talk to them for a minute and let them know I was thinking about them.
With a little pep talk and some grace, I managed to ease some of that guilt and remind myself I’m doing the best I can with where I am right now and can use these little reminders to the benefit of my relationship with them. No, I’m not a perfect mother and won’t always get it right. But I am a good mother and love my children very deeply; they know that. I never miss a day in telling them how much they mean to me.
So, I feel the car attack was merely old self trying to rear her nasty head. Thanks to my Higher Power, and Al-Anon, I had the tools to circle the wagons and find the reality that I am a good mother. I’m doing the best I can, and I can start tomorrow fresh when they come home. You will probably find me sitting at a table looking awkwardly at a scrapbooking kit (so not my thing) while cheering my son on as he runs in for a touchdown on the Wii.
Sep 19, 2011 @ 16:38:21
The question one should ask?Who is speaking ???Within lurks a demon in all us….
Sep 19, 2011 @ 18:16:29
That’s the point of the whole post, Nikki. My struggle at this point in my recovery is determining when I should heed them as warnings or remind myself that I am not the same person I was before and am growing into the person I want to be. Negative self-speak was such an all-day-every-day occurence for me, and I don’t want to spiral back into that old behavior. In my old life, I could always do more, be more, have more, be better, work harder, push-push-push… I’m trying to keep myself in check and listen more for the voice of my HP instead of old self. Thanks for your comment!