October 25, 2011
same ole same ole 3
I don’t let people in.
I don’t like women/men.
Women are bitches/Only men understand me.
Men aren’t emotional enough/Only women understand me.
All my friends are of the opposite sex. They just ‘get’ me better.
I don’t trust… not even a little bit.
I’ve written about this topic at least a hundred different ways but it always holds merit. Meaning it’s a recurring topic pretty much every single day in the recovery community. And yes I mean every … day. What is it about letting someone in (that DOESN’T want in your pants) that is scary for us? Why is it so difficult to believe that there are people that could care without expecting anything in return?
I mean sure. Hit any meeting and you’ll see sick folks. That’s just the honest truth people. Come on. People don’t get into recovery because they’re well. And to be on the ‘real tip’ there are folks with many many many MANY years of sobriety who still prey on newbies. That is the way of the world. No matter where you go you’ll find SICK.
HOWEVER … seeing as I’m an eternal optimist and that hundreds of thousands of people HAVE RECOVERED IN SPITE OF SICK… there are tons and tons of folks that are NOT that way. Leave it to people just itching to find a reason to not like recovery to gravitate towards the negative. Pffft. If you are looking for healthy, you’ll find it.
Hey. I was a nineteen year old busty blue eyed blonde when I came into the rooms in 1992. A few years later *ahem* I’m still a busty blue eyed blonde, in the rooms and a lot less naive and little bit healthier. It was easier back then to talk to the men. It was more comfortable because I wasn’t challenged on my crap back then. I learned that the men who wanted to ‘go out for coffee ALONE to talk recovery’ didn’t really want coffee. More like dessert. I learned to spot the sick and after the initial shock of realizing in my teenaged gullible mind … that ‘like oh my gawd they totally don’t care about me’. (DUH. Yes I know. DUH.), to stick to the women like glue.
And I don’t want to give men a bad name. There were plenty of healthful kind men that helped me in my early recovery. They, however, didn’t want my phone number. *one raised eyebrow* They didn’t remark on how nice my jeans fit or stare at my big … eyes. And I began to really see … who was trust-worthy and who was not.
Hard lesson but so what. You mean to tell me that you people never experienced inappropriate behavior in the crack house, shooting gallery, or local bar? Sometimes I hear people being shocked by sick behavior and I’m like are you an addict like me? Did you NOT use sexuality as a weapon like me? When did people become so delicate? We’ve seen and experienced things that no one should ever have to go through … and then somebody makes a sexual innuendo and you either think “they looooove me” or are offended? Handle it. Tell em to bite you and NOT in a good way. Sheesh.
Anyway. Off topic. Point is that anyone who is healthful is going to be doing pretty much the OPPOSITE of what we’re used to experiencing. I knew what it was like to be ogled. What I didn’t know was being cared about for simply being me. It was a totally new concept. Blew me away completely and I’m ever so glad that the old timer women grabbed me by my shirt collar and yanked me into their loving graces.
No one said you had to like it. It’s not in any recovery book that I’ve ever seen; this “liking” concept. Trust because your life depends on it. Hang on to the women or the men (whatever the same sex is for you) to get fed in recovery. Someday you’ll have the wisdom to know the difference between sick and healthy intimate relationships. Until that time … like my first sponsor told me …
KEEP YOUR LEGS CLOSED AND YOUR EARS OPEN GIRL.
Amy G. aka SassySoberGirl aka Editor-In-Chief. (check out more of her writing at I Love Recovery and Sassifiable)
Oct 26, 2011 @ 00:22:23
I know you, not in the biblical way. I know you as another alcoholic with the same defects of character trying to learn a way to love everyone without expectations, to be of comfort to others and to trust.
Nov 06, 2011 @ 19:16:19
In my recovery I find it hard to trust.. men or women.
An example I will share is something that happened to me recently…
I am epileptic and am trying to get my seizures under control, thought I was doing good but the most recent one had a serious effect on my thinking….
Me My boyfriend (also in the program) and his son were sitting at the kitchen table eating supper, when all of a sudden i started getting dizzy… my bf moved me to the bedroom before the “big one” hit…
When I came to the first thing I did was feel my clothes and look for my purse and check my things in it… He was bewildered as to what I was doing… and in my mixed state I told him I was making sure everything was still in my purse. He began to cry because he thought I didn’t feel safe in our home, like someone here was going to hurt me or take something from me.
The truth is, when I was out in the crack house and have a seizure, I’d come to no no money, no medicine, my clothes ruffled where someone had attempt to undress me, etc.. That had became my norm. I was used to it. I wasn’t used to someone laying me down and staying by my side and caring for me like he did.
I learned a lot that day about him, about me and about us.
Nov 10, 2011 @ 05:07:26
I completely connected with the message you was trying to portray when writing this (or at least some my version of your message). There r so many sick individuals in recovery, but no more sick in recovery then in the world we lived in as using addicts or alcoholics. You get what you want to get while in the rooms and if you want to stay sick you will hang around sick people, if you want to get healthy you will hang around healthy people. Although, with that being said, if your new to the rooms of any sobriety, then it can be challenging to decipher which is which but like your saying give it time and you will figure out who is there trying to get healthy and who isn’t. People are so quick to put AA or NA or any recovery rooms down and that’s because they are hanging with the wrong people that teach them the wrong things. Well said Amy, I couldn’t have said it better than you have said it here. Find someone that has what you are looking for and do your best to attach yourself to that person to get what they got and day by day slowly you too will be one of those people that when a new person comes dragging in (just like we did when we was new) will want what you have. All in time will all be healed, just make sure to give it the proper amount of time before you decide this isn’t for you. My worst day sober doesn’t even come close to comparing to the life I used to live. Yes, it gets rough as hell sometimes, but that’s when we need each other the most. If your new I may learn just as much from you as you do from me cause for every new person that walks through that door it is a constant reminder of where I once was and hopefully can keep from going back to.