May 10, 2012
Occassionaly we end up in a relapse process and before we know it were right back using again. If we make it back to get clean and we start working a program again, we try to find what the problem was and why we ended up back at the beginning of recovery. What happened? What caused me to use in the first place? It is important to identify what caused us to use or else it will happen again. Perhaps it was a reservation that we had all along and just wasn’t honest with ourselves and everybody else in the first place. When we have a reservation and we don’t allow ourselves to get honest about it, it will take us back out their. One example of a reservation is thinking that if you are an addict that is addicted to an opiate, or cocaine that it is okay if we drink. We think that just because we havn’t never had a problem with alcohol that it would be ok to go out and have a few drinks occassionally with our friends. Well that is a reservation. We are addicts, we have an addictive personality and no matter what the substance is, we will use it until we obtain that feeling of “Euphoria” that we are searching for in the first place. I learned the hard way about reservations. I thought well it is going to be alright if I have a few drinks later on when I am feeling better and am through the worst part of this, and was I wrong. My second relapse was because of alcohol. I started having a few drinks here and there and thought it was ok, I got this, see it isn’t affecting me and making me want to go use my drug of choice. Well it soon turned into a problem, I started drinking more and more, had to have a drink every day until one day I woke up and realized that I now had a problem with alcohol and it just wasn’t doing the trick, but Ive been clean for awhile so I can do me a little dope and I will be just fine. Well I was wrong again, I did that little bit and ended up right back where I started in a few days. I was hitting it hard again, just like I had never stopped. What happened? How did I end up doing this to myself again? I had a reservation to drink and that reservation led me right back to my drug of choice. It isn’t ok to substitute one drug with another, it isn’t okay to be an alcoholic and think that you can do other drugs. It isn’t okay to be addicted to pills or cocaine or mirijuana and drink alcohol They are all drugs, a drug is classified as a mind or mood-altering substance. We can’t use any of them or they will take us back to our drug of choice. We are the addict, not the substance. We abuse a substance to reach a level of “euphoria” that we don’t feel we can obtain in any other way. That is what the program of recovery is for, it is to teach us how to obtain that feeling without having to use a substance to get it. IT is so much more than that, but that is part of it.
Eventually we are shown that we must get honest, or we will use again. A secret is a reservation. We all have secrets right? Some of them may be little secrets that wouldn’t cause us much embarrassment and some are big secrets which is a whole area of our lives that is cloaked in darkness. The bigger the secret the more dangerous it is to our recovery. Don’t think thought that the little secrets don’t do there damage as well though, cause they do. We may feel as if these little secrets are harmless to us, but they do affect our recovery and they do keep us sick. They are a type of reservation to us in our recovery. Big or little secrets represent spiritual territory that we are unwilling to surrender to the principles of recovery. That will keep you sick and will eventually cause you to relapse if you don’t do something about them. No-one says we have to run and shout our secrets to the world from atop a mountain, we just need to share them with someone, at least one person and our Higher Power(God) in order to get them out of us and be willing to totally surrender to the principles of this program. The longer we reserve these little pieces of our lives to be ruled by “self-will” and the more we hold on to them, the more damage we are doing to ourselves and our recovery. Gradually these areas of our lives began to expand, they grow from a mole hill to a mountain and eventually take more and more ground in our lives and our recovery. Whether these secrets are really big or really small, they will take us to the same place. We must make a choice, we either surrender EVERYTHING to our program, or we will lose our recovery to it.
We all have stuff from our pasts that happened to us or that we have done that we feel makes us completely unique to everyone else in this world. This holds untrue to those like us in recovery, most of them have been their and done that at some point in there using career. We will come to find that the more we share with others in this program, the more that we find out we aren’t unique in these experiences. We must be willing to let go of all of our reservations in order to recover. We do recover, but we must be rigorously honest from the start. We work the steps to recover and to reach a spiritual awakening so that we can live a life of complete abstinence from any and all mind or mood-altering substances. We must totally surrender to the principles of this program and to our Higher Power(GOD) in order to receive the full benefits this program has to offer us and in order to recover. Do you want the kind of recovery that comes from fully surrendering or do you want a partial recovery that is eventually going to lead you to a relapse and cause you to have to start all over again-that is IF you make it back??? Disclose all of your secrets and your reservations to someone, it can be your sponsor, a member of your support group, or by sharing in a meeting some of the smaller ones, either way disclose them to someone or they will keep you from total recovery. Don’t let a reservation or a secret be the cause of your relapse, now you are aware of the dangers that they create for you in your recovery so now you are equipped with doing something about it. Are we going to test this theory or are we going to use what we have learned in this program and take care of it before it is to late? I, for one am going to do something about it. My recovery and my life are way to important to me to let something such as this take me back out their. This program has some amazing benefits and if your not seeing those benefits, then maybe, just maybe you have some secrets that you havn’t shared or some reservations your not willing to be honest about. This program requires us to be rigorously honest in order for it to work, it doesn’t say shout them to the world, but it does say to share them with someone. That someone should include an actual human being in recovery and your Higher Power(GOD).