August 8, 2011

Self-Esteem, Revisited 46

by RobinH • Addiction, Alcoholism, Recovery • Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I thought I would post a follow up to the article I wrote last week on self-esteem, because I got a couple of comments that I felt brought up some interesting points, both “pro” and “con” towards A.A.’s approach to “ego-deflation” and how it relates to self-esteem.

Within the confines of human psychology, self-esteem is of critical importance to mental health and an appropriate relationship to society in general. However, within the minds of those of us who have been touched by addictions, we tend to be “bi-polar” in the extremes of self-esteem. We go from having almost no respect for ourselves to, at the same time, being so egotistical that we feel that our way is the only way of living and it is the rest of the world that is “screwed up.”

I think ego-deflation is an important step but it needs to be handled carefully, because taken to the extreme — as it is in many Alcoholics Anonymous groups around the country — ego-deflation sets up a cycle of over-dependence on the A.A. group for the long term. This, I feel, is missing the point if our goal is to reach a level of stable sobriety. Stable sobriety, in my definition, is one that literally builds upon itself. In time, the goal should be to build a personal system of sobriety that isn’t answerable to the group, but is answerable to ourselves.

In many cases it seems that we are trading one addiction for another (Drugs & Alcohol for A.A.), and while I agree A.A. is a much safer alternative to drugs and alcohol, from a psychological viewpoint, it does almost nothing to produce “self-actualized,” autonomous, adults that can take care of themselves.

The goal, as I see it, is to reintegrate people who are trying to rebuild their lives back into society as a whole. So, if the individual is not open to the idea of God as a Higher Power, then maybe he or she will accept Society as a higher power (maybe a better way to define it would be “higher authority”).

The basis for ego-deflation, as I see it, is to admit to ourselves that our past way of going about this business of life led us to nothing but addictions and misery. In order to move forward at this stage of our lives, we have to admit and accept that we need to find a new way of doing things. If the client/sponsee cannot accept the spiritual side of the 12 Step Program, that is perfectly okay. All that needs to be accepted is that their old way of doing things did nothing but land them in rehab and/or A.A. and it is time for a fundamental change.

The one area in which 12 Step programs excel, is in the provision of a safe “transitional” society in which to belong. Whether you believe in the validity of the 12 Steps or not, the provision of a community in which to belong, is something that I cannot match in the one-on-one counseling environment. Having come from a history of addictions myself, I fully understand that the one thing I lacked more than anything else, was the necessary Social Skills needed to survive in modern society; the A.A. community provided a safe place to get used to being in a society again.

Something that we tend to forget is that the people who go to rehab and then to voluntarily to A.A., have already experienced ego-deflation and are looking for help in rebuilding their lives. But when we insist that they go through ego-deflation again, it is almost as if we are rubbing their noses in it and adding to an almost dangerous lack of self-esteem. I sometimes wonder how many relapses the recovery community is responsible for? Once we begin building self-esteem, self-respect will follow; once self-respect begins to grow, respect for others will follow naturally.