July 31, 2011
Self Esteem 10
I’m constantly amazed by just how much those of us suffering from addictions have in common. I listened to an interview with one of Amy Winehouse‘s loved ones, the comment that caught my attention about Amy, was that she suffered from a debilitating lack of self esteem.
Sound familiar? It does to me… one of the primary defects of character that defined my drinking and using career, was in fact a serious lack of self esteem.This goes hand in hand with what is called “Personal Mythology” (the stories we tell ourselves, about ourselves).
There is one area where we stand head and shoulders above the general population: we stand unchallenged at being the best at “trash talking” ourselves. Even in the light of unparalleled success, we just can’t help but feel, we aren’t good enough, and we just don’t fit in.
I ran across the following in my “psych” studies. It is not a “silver bullet” but it has been a big help in my own struggles with self-esteem. I find that keeping my self-esteem up helps me to not seek relief from the bottle.
Building Self-Esteem
Self-esteem is your attitude toward yourself. The more positive this attitude is the higher your self-esteem. Self-esteem can be improved.
1. Accept Yourself. Identify your strengths (everyone has them) and your weaknesses (everyone has these too). Realize that you have the right to decide who and what you want to be. You do not need everyone else’s approval. After all, it is your life and what happens in it is up to you.
2. Set Realistic Goals. Meet them by learning new skills and developing your abilities. Set a reasonable timetable; give yourself encouragement and rewards along the way (No, a drink is not an appropriate reward). Avoid demanding perfection from yourself.
3. Increase Your Control. You have control of your life. Change the attitude that things happen to you into the attitude that you can make things happen. The occurrence of certain events, such as natural disasters, may be beyond your control, but your reaction to them is very much within your control. Realize that you can control only yourself and no one else. You can control 50% of any relationship – your half.
4. Eliminate Your “Should’s.” Substitute instead the words “want” or “choose” — there are always choices. Examine the advantages and disadvantages of each choice and then decide which is best for you. Remember: in the long run, doing what is best for you is usually best for everyone concerned.
5. Become Assertive. Learn to express your feelings in a non-threatening manner. Refuse to be manipulated by others. Say,”No” when you mean no. Don’t answer questions you do not want to answer — No rule exists that you must answer questions.
6. Allow Yourself To Be Human. Accept and learn from your mistakes. Do not overreact to errors. Forgive yourself — and others.
7. Trust Yourself. Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. Act on what you think is best. Do what makes you feel happy and fulfilled. No one is better able to take care of you than you.
8. Become Positive. Look for the positive side of life’s events. Negative thinking is self-defeating. Tune into your thought patterns; when you find yourself thinking negatively, stop and consciously change it to a positive thought. Positive people are fun to be around.
9. Enjoy Life. Take time out regularly to be alone with your thoughts and feelings. Get in touch with your life. Stop to smell the flowers and listen to the birds. Look at life as a great adventure.
10. Work At It. Changing self-esteem means taking a close look at yourself and changing the things you are not satisfied with. It is not easy, but it is tremendously rewarding. If you have tried, but are not making progress, consider seeking help from a qualified counselor.
Remember, sometimes the best defense against relapse is to realize that, you are better than this, and you deserve better!
Jul 31, 2011 @ 19:47:47
Excellent post! Thanks so much for spelling it all out. You make it sound so easy and possible that even I could do it! (LOL)
Jul 31, 2011 @ 23:13:09
I agree with your points regarding self esteem.
However it should be noted that the exact opposite is what actually happens in the AA faith and the recovery industry.
In the AA faith, self esteem is contantly discouraged by the programs belief and use of ‘ego deflation’. When combined with faulty training that alcoholism is an incurable disease, sexual predators preying on vulnerable newcomers, the authoritative counseling of newcomers to stop taking needed medication by persons with no medical training whatsoever, and the encouragement of networking criminals together anonymously, makes a lethal combination.
With regard to the recovery industry, the inducing of ‘rock bottoms’ to prepare for ‘interventions’ has a tendency to kill people.
The current substance abuse system, that uses AA methodology and theology over 90% of the time is the worst disaster in the history of modern medicine, and continues to be lethal.
It is time for the AA faith and the recovery industry cartel to stop recieving unearned admiration and undeserved credibility.
Aug 03, 2011 @ 13:00:44
Deconstructor,
It’s funny that you say that AA is a faith. As a person who hangs in the halls, I see nothing of what you speak. AA is about spirtuality and finding a Higher Power (whether in a deity or a tree, doesn’t matter).
I don’t argue with your assertion that there are some rude, mean, and predatory people in the halls, but, I venture to guess, no more so than in any other area of life. There’s a saying in AA (and I hate sayings for the most part): Take what you need and leave the rest. Perhaps you should take heed of that as you go forward.
Aug 03, 2011 @ 21:40:56
It is not a case of ‘take what you need and leave the rest’ when the majority of people in AA are coerced to be there. (That is according to information at AA.org published by AAWS, one of the two corporate entities controlling the AA faith)
People are forced and coerced to participate and convert to the AA faith, many time with sincere threats of incarceration, employment termination, and in some cases termination of child custody for failing to be a part of this religion that is used to alleged arrest the concocted ‘disease’ of alcoholism. We now even have credible reports coming in of transplant teams withholding organs (Cleveland Clinic) for failing to participate and convert to this flawed religion.
In addition to the fact that entities that coerce people to AA have lost EVERY court case regarding mandated AA, in the last big one (Inouye v. Kenma) the 9th circuit Court of Appeals stated that since AA denies the fact it is a religion (in all 50 state charters it lists itself as a religion and frequently uses pastoral/client confidentiality card in courts) people should sue the sentencing entitity personally that forces AA. In that particular case it was a parole officer who ended up being personally liable for infringing another constitutional rights.
Of course corporate AA (at http://www.AA.org) continues to scheme up and publish new ways they think will force people to AA, such as inducing ‘rock bottoms’ so people will ‘volunteer’ It is truly a sad situation because AA continues to kill so many people.
There are many of us working hard to stop this madness, using all peaceful means necessary. Anyone forced or coerced to AA should always remember that the confidentiality thing does not apply to anyone forced there. There should be no secrets in a persons sentencing, and that is why I for one strongly suggest the use of personal hidden cams at meetings and the posting of bad behavior online.
We are making progress, and hopefully this will be the last generation that is exposed to this religion wrongly marketed as a medical regimen.
Aug 15, 2011 @ 17:05:50
Deconstructor, AA does not care one bit what you think and there is no one to attack or sue or file a complaint with….really. Alcoholic Anonymous is not held together like anything that normally we are familiar with. Did you know that AA is the only organization in the world (religious, agnostic, non-profit, charitable ad infinitum…) that will not accept a million dollars if you decided to donate it? This proves that AA will go to great length to not be obligated to anything other than helping folks get sober and stay sober. No other group or organization in the world can say this. The problem is all the profit organizations, religions, government bureaucracy (and people like you?) …trying to attach themselves somehow to AA. Our group may never fit into a specific category that you can be familiar with other than just AA. What people do not realize is this is the ‘last’ stop on the list for many (or most) of us. There is no referral to somewhere else after AA. We know it is full of sick people. Therein lies the paradox and the magic of the program. It is a law of nature as old as the hills that when like people with the same (singleness of purpose) deep profound motivation congregate and share their spirit…a healing takes place that is real and alive. Millions of people have experienced this on many levels. Where does your superficial complaints go towards this?
Self-Esteem, Revisited
Aug 08, 2011 @ 01:27:08
[...] thought I would post a follow up to the article I wrote last week on self-esteem, because I got a couple of comments that I felt brought up some interesting points, both [...]
Aug 15, 2011 @ 16:35:48
Basically, the idea of a program of action illustrates that self esteem comes from esteemable acts involving other people. Self respect parallells respectful acts towards other people, places and things. This idea of building self esteem for ourselves independantly might somehow be related to ‘taking pride’ to resolve our problems which every spiritual wisdom cautions against. Does not this feigned so called self esteem ultimately create narcism in people? I see it this way. If AA and the meetings were treated only as a ‘transitional society’ as you suggest how would it keep going if everyone felt this way? Would it become a seasonal event…and for a new person, unless you sobered up at right time you were out of luck for having the AA society help! What is wrong with a day at a time? what is wrong with ‘keep coming back’? they have been doing it in Catholic (and other) churches for thousands of years. People would not dream of getting to a place in the christian, buddhist or muslim religions where they felt they were ‘cured’ or healed or ready for transition into a world where they would no longer need their fellowship. This would be absurd. This is where gifts are shared…around others that are just like us. For fun and for free. Whethor a person likes it or not…AA member, counselor or who ever…AA has been declared the largest spiritual movement of the 21st century by many scholars. I don’t personally belive or call AA a religion but I do believe in the community of people and have experienced the miracle of AA. I will continue to go I am sure. Besides, I once felt as if I needed to become more excellent and evolve away from AA (I felt as if I could do a little better with my life and contribute more in other areas) I was successful in doing so…until I drank. I am happy to be back 12 years sober now and regulary attending meetings for all those 12 years. We have a good solid sober coummnity here in Southern California where there is no need for ‘graduation’ This is where it is at. If you don’t feel that way about your involvement…gratitude for AA is a good exercise. Maybe get more involved?! It is possible to become distracted by involvement in the welfare of others and getting miraculously better…without looking at yourself at all! Thank you for letting me share. -LGR
Community
Aug 15, 2011 @ 16:48:14
[...] I wrote my article on self-esteem, I hadn’t intended on writing a series of articles, but looking back on my recovery journey, [...]
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