October 13, 2011
SEX… (yes I’m shouting) 3
Yup. I’m goin there. Epic “no-no”, cause of arguments, discussions, eye brow raises and 13th step jokes. Down this slippery slope I go (pun absolutely intended). So … you wanna go for coffee after the meeting? Best recovery pick up line EVER!!!
New in recovery … or even not so new. Sex can be a difficult topic to discuss. Of course we can refer to our handy dandy recovery books … but all they basically say is ask God and don’t hurt anybody. God likes sex doesn’t he/she/it? I would assume so since we were created to do it. Some say instinct and some say need. Other schools of recovery thought are coitus anarchists and say “Strap me up baby I’m gettin’ my groove on”. Others go for the penile prohibition choice, “No sex except for a loving committed relationship … after a year … after the steps … after you’re old and shriveled. And for goodness sakes don’t enjoy it”.
My opinion varies on the subject. Being a divorced mother of three little cutie pies, my ability to meet eligible men is sketchy at best. Meet men at meetings? Then you hear “Don’t shit where you eat. AA is not a pickup joint.” Just for the purpose of being contrary I wonder where exactly us 30-ish, in our sexual prime (omg) folk are sposed’ to find a sexual partner or at least a date for movie night? Blah.
Everyone being at a different level of recovery/spirituality/healthiness (whatever that means), would suggest that we must be careful in our interactions. What’s okay to one of us certainly won’t be to another. I think the key may be to NOT be selfish??? The ability to have compassion and see other people for where they are … without judgment. Little Suzy sunshine may SAY that she can do the horizontal mambo and just be “friends”. Ahem. Three weeks later when your phone blows up every ten seconds would say otherwise. And that hot-ass new guy that promises that he wants a serious relationship and “We can stay sober together!” … I don’t think I need to finish that thought. At least I hope I don’t … gawd.
Wary of offers for “coffee” from the opposite sex after meetings. Those lead to U-Hauls in driveways more often than not. At the very least, could lead to waking up next to someone you really may not know well or even like that much if ya do know em. If someone is pushin to unzip the jeans, even if ya wanna REAL bad, make em’ wait and see if they’re in it to win it … or for the five minute show. Unless the five minute show is all ya want. Be careful though; the fallout can be seriously whack and you may break out in stalkers.
Like anything else in life and especially recovery, we don’t need any more shit than is already on our plate. Sex can be amazing, or a diversion, or a quick fix, or the start of something good. Know yourself, know your motives, for shitsakes be honest. Meanwhile, “self love” remains my best friend. Don’t even have to wear makeup or sexy outfits … although I usually do. Sexy is an attitude. Try not to pervert it. Or do pervert it … just don’t bitch about the consequences.
Amy G. (aka SassySoberGirl on ITR) is the current Editor-In-Chief Slave Labor of Addiction Magazine. She also writes the I Love Recovery Blog for ITR and has her own blogsite at Actualized Recovery – Sober and Sassy
Oct 18, 2011 @ 03:06:05
Love it, Amy! Very real!
Oct 19, 2011 @ 17:24:38
I am often heard blathering that our currency is our experience, not expertise and in saying that I am at fault to as offering opinions on subjects in meetings… or in blogs. I am an AA member; I went to my first SLAA meeting in the 90s and thought I had enough AA time that I was entitled to “a good man’s folly.” I don’t think that every addict with a libido is a sex-addict. Like food or spending sex and intimacy as a disorder is a self-diagnosed matter. My behavior doesn’t make me an addict. Living outside my values was the reason I labeled myself an addict.
Like drinking, sometimes everything was fine and sometimes I had regret, promised myself “I won’t do that again,” only to find a binge and purge pattern emerging.
I came back to SLAA in 2004 with what I would call a lower bottom than my drinking. I am HIV+ and one of my children was abducted by her vengeful mother. Both of these could have been prevented. My case is rather extreme and they don’t happen to every good kid sober in AA with a few issues not quite worked out. But that’s part of my story. I had a lot of ideas about what sexual morality and liberation meant. A lot of the values I thought were my own turned out to be someone else’s (That’s right out of the SLAA literature) and finding my authentic equilibrium was an involved process.
I hear a lot about rules, right and wrong, and being responsible in the rooms. I have experience. I don’t have any expertise. My bottom line is honest but it is not a universal spiritual path for one and all. It is my journey. I hurt myself by either trying to live up to, or rebel against someone else’s principles. I think a lot of people do. I think it’s good to talk about our experience in the rooms about living life. Sex, making money, praying – what makes one more spiritual than the other? None of these activities should be outside issues in a fellowship based on a program of living. Shit, there I go with an opinion again. What I meant to say is thanks for sharing. I relate to the feelings.
Jan 14, 2012 @ 03:18:54
I have a sudden urge to go to a certain “Young people living sober meeting on Monday” to do a little fishin’. Hehe.