February 23, 2012
She’s a Butterfly 0
I am in a transformation/metamorphosis right now. I can feel it happening under the surface, but I cannot quite put my finger on it, nor can I understand it mentally. What is happening must be the work of my Higher Power, and the only explanation I have is that my discomfort spells out change on the horizon.
I have been doing a lot of contemplative thinking lately involving where I have been, how far I have come in recovery, and where I hope to be. A little backstory: six months after I left my alcoholic marriage of ten years, I met and fell in love with a man who is not an alcoholic or addict but was very much unavailable to me. A traumatic event took both of us to our knees, and we spent the next two years trying to recover emotionally and mentally, but in the end, our relationship failed, and we parted ways a few months ago. The grief I have experienced over the last two years has, at times, been incapacitating and so overwhelming, I feared I would die from it. Thankfully, I had a strong foundation built in Al-Anon and with my Higher Power, so I had hope of survival but no hope for a happy future again.
I had clung so tightly to my resolve that we were going to make it through, I was stripped bare when the relationship ended. I prayed to my Higher Power to give me strength each day to see that though I was wounded, I was not destroyed. I began “acting as if” each day- putting one foot in front of the other- forcing myself to keep moving forward, keep going to meetings, keep trusting the process, and I had hope that eventually, my actions would begin to feel real to me.
After my homegroup meeting Monday evening, I felt a new understanding of what is happening to me, now. It’s change. I just finished steps 4 and 5, and I am now beginning step 6, “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” One of the Al-Anon books has a sharing in which the author describes her defects of character as old survival skills that no longer serve their purpose. That really spoke to me in a positive way, because part of my insanity involves submerging myself in old patterns expecting outcomes to be different. When I was able to look at my defects of character as old survival skills, it made sense to me that my discomfort in letting them go involves feeling vulnerable and exposed during the process.
I wear a necklace every day given to my by my oldest sister. It’s a butterfly, and on the back, it has the following inscription: “Just when the caterpillar felt her life was over, she turned into a butterfly.” I use this imagery as my metamorphosis into the next phase of my life and recovery. I hold out hope for a future where I can be happy, joyous, and free. I know my Higher Power is strong, patient, kind, and loving, and I know that as my layers of old behavior/thinking begin to shed, new, healthy, harmonious layers will be waiting. I know it; I trust it, even if today, I do not feel it.
I find such comfort in the Al-Anon program. And just for today, where there is confusion, I trust God. Where there is fear, I seek God. Where there is hurt, I feel God. And I know that if I do not receive answers to questions today, there is hope for an answer in tomorrow.
