May 25, 2012
The Gift 2
December 2011 marks for me, the end of a 14-year relationship. I thought I was handling the breakup well. And then my mother suddenly died about a month ago.
It has been really tough getting out of the house since then, but I have managed to go to meetings, meet my sponsees, and call my sponsor.
I realized that I have been trying to pray the pain away. I’ve tried to manage my pain by going to meetings and sharing about what’s going on with me. And while those are all good tools to stay sober, the pain still persists.
I wish I could skip to the next chapter of my life. I know rationally that getting over my losses is a process. If I keep trying to numb the pain with spiritual tools, I’m just going to get frustrated and it’s not going to work.
In an effort to get help, I went to talk to one of the Buddhist monks at the temple I go to. I told him about my pain. I told him how I still missed my ex. That while I understood that I could not keep guessing what I could have done better or differently, I still hurt. I told him that I know I must accept the fact that we are no longer together.
Mr. Monk said that I could try to look at this breakup as a gift. He quickly made sure I knew that it is going to take time to start seeing it that way, if ever, but to try anyway. He said to thank my ex during my meditation for this gift of spiritual growth.
I often pray that my ex partner finds true happiness and love. My sponsor told me if that if I truly love my ex, I would want him to be happy even if his happiness was not with me.
So how do I get back to my “normal”? I know that using any mind-altering substances would only cover up the problem and eventually make it bigger. How do you cope with loss? How do you get over losing who you thought was going to be with you for the rest of your/his life? I don’t know.
I recently read “You cannot lose what was never yours.” Somehow I try to find comfort in that thought.
Jun 03, 2012 @ 06:16:43
My fiancé of 2 yrs together I thought forever asked me to leave 10-19-12 had known he & son 4 yrs thru Aa we were together for 2yrs his son was struggling w addiction lived w us for 6 mo he & I were very close my daughter born stillborn in high school was 3 wks younger we just clicked. Talked about everything his Dad didn’t even know. He always hugged me & told me he loved me every time I saw him. I have firbomyalgia so spend fair amount of time resting. he had that quick whit and dimpled smiled always made us laugh. Had a 2 yr old daughter made him gleam he did not get along with her Mom. So 5/11/12 he died of complications of infected tooth his Dad had to pull plug, donated his organs. So I’m missing all the good parts of my relationship 10 hours away then Ryan dies I can’t be there for my ex or any of his family it’s been horrible! I’m trying to be grateful for the time I got to have Ryan in my life I loved him like a son & he loved me like a Mom I know this. I believe God wants me near my daughter her fiancé and my dear Grandson. I can’t be in a verbally abusive relationship anymore. I was in one for 31 yrs with Father of my two amazing children I can’t do it anymore. With my trust issues I have not been to a mtg tried last night got lost I will try again in the mean time ITR has been my saving grace along with God and my priest. I will get thru this but I sure have cried and prayed a lot. My heart goes out to you ! Thank you for sharing! I can’t reread this sorry if I said things twice or rambled but was important to me to connect with you hugs coming your way! Mary Amanda
Jun 04, 2012 @ 13:53:50
I’m no expert, but here’s my ESH. One of my marriages not only ended badly, but began badly. That wife had issues controlling her fists when she was angry. After 3 weeks of marriage, the fists were used on me. I don’t have enough time to list all the emotions I felt, let’s just say I felt betrayal and humiliation and leave it at that. Oh yeah, diappointment too. It took me more than a year to stop crying. I had ten years clean at the time.
Here’s what I learned about myself. There’s two kinds of fear. Fear of not getting what I want. Fear of losing what I have. When I realized that all of that is transitory and that I didn’t deserve to live with someone who couldn’t feel anger without punching, then I knew I needed to let go. I was afraid, and the situation also put me in touch with some stuff that had nothing to do with her, stuff from my childhood.
What a mess I was. Couldn’t stop crying. Ashamed. Scared. Here’s what I did:
I didn’t use drugs. I went to meetings. I went to co-dependency treatment in Pennsylvania. I went to counseling. I cried until I had no tears left.
When the tears stopped, I got a lawyer and set the wheels in motion for a divorce. The next year I met the most lovely woman who I have been with for more than ten years. She has anger. She doesn’t punch me when she’s angry. Life is good.
And I’m still clean today. Being clean is the most important gift in my life. Losing relationships with people I love is not confined to marriage, and in the midst of the pain, it doesn’t feel like a gift at all! It doesn’t feel like a gift now when I think back and feel those feelings. It’s just life. My choices. And I make mistakes in those choices. I learn what I can to make my life healthier. People who hurt me don’t get to stay in my life very long. I forgive when I’m ready to forgive, because resentments can tear me down after a while.
Thanks for reading.