May 25, 2012
December 2011 marks for me, the end of a 14-year relationship. I thought I was handling the breakup well. And then my mother suddenly died about a month ago.
It has been really tough getting out of the house since then, but I have managed to go to meetings, meet my sponsees, and call my sponsor.
I realized that I have been trying to pray the pain away. I’ve tried to manage my pain by going to meetings and sharing about what’s going on with me. And while those are all good tools to stay sober, the pain still persists.
I wish I could skip to the next chapter of my life. I know rationally that getting over my losses is a process. If I keep trying to numb the pain with spiritual tools, I’m just going to get frustrated and it’s not going to work.
In an effort to get help, I went to talk to one of the Buddhist monks at the temple I go to. I told him about my pain. I told him how I still missed my ex. That while I understood that I could not keep guessing what I could have done better or differently, I still hurt. I told him that I know I must accept the fact that we are no longer together.
Mr. Monk said that I could try to look at this breakup as a gift. He quickly made sure I knew that it is going to take time to start seeing it that way, if ever, but to try anyway. He said to thank my ex during my meditation for this gift of spiritual growth.
I often pray that my ex partner finds true happiness and love. My sponsor told me if that if I truly love my ex, I would want him to be happy even if his happiness was not with me.
So how do I get back to my “normal”? I know that using any mind-altering substances would only cover up the problem and eventually make it bigger. How do you cope with loss? How do you get over losing who you thought was going to be with you for the rest of your/his life? I don’t know.
I recently read “You cannot lose what was never yours.” Somehow I try to find comfort in that thought.