February 18, 2012
I search through the memories of my childhood looking for happy moments. While scanning through them I find there are more bad memories then good ones. Is it that we choose to remember the bad memories over the happy memories, or are we programmed that way? Does our mind store the bad memories in a place that is easier to access than the good ones? It sure does seem that way to me sometimes. Why is it that we as humans tend to focus more on the negative then we do on the positive?
I had an extremely rough childhood. I was beat on and sexually abused by an important dominant male figure whom was supposed to protect and take care of me. He was to raise me, put a roof over my head, feed and clothe me and not allow anyone or anything to harm me. Instead, he beat on me, fed me mirijuana from the age of nine up and had his way with me sexually after he got me high, every chance he got. Sometimes, it was a daily occurence.
When I turned to drugs, I blamed him for my reason as to why I was doing them. It was his fault I felt the way I felt and I wanted to bury those feelings deep inside of me. I wanted to completely numb myself and isolate myself so the world couldn’t see me. I thought that everyone could see what was happening to me and I felt guilty, I felt disgusted with myself like it was all somehow my fault. I indulged in drugs feet first and spiralled out of control in no time at all. I let the drugs take control of me. I loved the feeling of euphoria, the numbness that it gave me. I didn’t have to feel guilty and ashamed of myself anymore. It was great.
I come to a point when I got sick of hiding, sick of being sick and tired, sick of lying, sick of hurting myself and others. Something had to be done and by the grace of God, I was introduced to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I went to a few of these meetings, while getting high in the mean time. I realized at some point though that this is what I wanted and I made my mind up to stop using and that is exactly what I did. Of course, it wasn’t that simple, now was it. I put myself into a rehab center and I worked hard on myself and did everything they told me to do. I learned the program of recovery, worked the 12 steps, read the big book and the basic text and I worked the program daily.
Today, I know that I can’t blame others for my addiction or my actions. I know that addiction is a disease of the mind and that I have to continually make changes in order to stay clean. I live one day at a time, sometimes one hour or even one minute at a time, doing whatever it takes to maintain my sobriety. I ahve incorporated the 12 steps into my daily life and I try my hardest to live right and do right by others. I am responsible for my actions today.
I have a very painful past, but they teach us how to forgive and how to let go in recovery. I have forgiven the man who abused me and I feel free today. I no longer feel as if he holds power over me anymore. There is nothing in this life that we can not overcome. We have our higher power(God), we have each other and we have the program of recovery.
I look at life through a whole new pair of eyes today and it is all thanks to the program of recovery. It has taught me how to forgive, it has taught me how to love again, and it has given me my life back. For that I am eternally grateful. We are all miracles and for every day that we stay clean that is a miracle in itself. I will devote my life, living it one day at a time, to staying clean and sober and to helping others get and stay clean and sober. You deserve to be a miralce to.