December 28, 2011
To Begin Again, There Must Be an End 0
As the end of 2011 approaches, I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the year and opportunities for growth in my recovery. I finished step four, started step five with my sponsor, and am eagerly approaching step six in the Al-Anon program. I am ready to have God remove all these defects of character. But, in order for my Higher Power to work, I have to be willing to let go as well.
One part of the recovery program that I find most difficult is being willing to let go of old behavior that no longer serves me. I argue with myself that “that’s just how I’m programmed”, but I continue to be disappointed when things don’t go as I had pre-planned in my head. I see that I am still trying to play Higher Power in my own life and in the lives of others, and one recovery goal I have in 2012 is to begin again and put an end to my feelings of “if this, then that.”
I am trying to accept that a relationship that I valued and adored has come to an end. Most days, I fight it kicking and screaming, because that’s not how it was “supposed” to work out. When I try to make sense of things that don’t make sense, I become an obsessive, unrealistic Tami covered in a shroud of denial. Facing the pain and accepting the truth is harder than continuing the relationship, there’s no doubt about that.
So, today, I am praying to my Higher Power to put an end to my bargaining ways and help me begin anew with tools of self-respect and growth.
