August 18, 2011

When I Grow Up, I Want to be Like My Daughter 1

by Tami • Alcoholism, Codependence, Recovery, Spirtuality • Tags: , , ,

I am going to venture out a little further tonight and share something a little more personal and heart-felt. Bear with me. My children were seven and five years old when their dad and I sat them down at the kitchen table to tell them we were separating.  The three of them cried; I stayed strong.

My daughter is wise beyond her nearly ten years on this earth.  It was so simple to her; we were fighting, so we should just say we were sorry and make up.  That’s how we’ve always taught them to deal with their problems with their peers.  There was nothing I could say to her to make her little mind understand the magnitude of what we were facing, so she stepped out on blind faith and trust that I was doing what had to be done.  She accepted it.

I have often considered introducing her to Ala-teen when she turns ten to (enter arrogance here) give her an opportunity to deal with the difficulty of having active alcoholism in her life.  I have come to realize over the last year that she will most likely need this wonderful program to learn effective coping skills to live with me.  At nine and three-quarter-years old, she is showing signs of co-dependency and emotional eating.  Her father has not been in our home for almost three years.  Sometimes I wonder if that mirror can get any larger before my face.

This evening, due to a tough day at work and raging hormones, I wanted to be left alone.  My children were eager for me to pick them up from the sitter’s house and wanted to spend time with me.  But, I wanted to curl up on the couch and read.  I patted them on the head, offered timely chuckles when it seemed appropriate, but paid very little attention to what was being said.  All I kept thinking was, “Is it bedtime yet?”  I didn’t feel like being a mother today.

If the situation was reversed, and I was on the receiving end of my behavior, I would have stomped around the house, slammed a few doors, huffed and blowed, thrown my practiced-to-perfection glares, and smarted off about how everything else in life was way more important to him (my alcoholic), and gone to bed angry.  My daughter, on the other hand, gave me several genuine hugs, told me how much she loved me, and went to play with her brother, who also came in sporadically to offer his own affection to me.

I went upstairs and cuddled with each of them before bedtime tonight. They went to bed all smiles with love-filled eyes.  For that, I feel good.  I know I’m a good mother;  I know the Al-Anon program and my Higher Power can help me become better.  My prayer is that I will stop taking them for granted and shuffling them to the side.  My fear is they will grow up starved for my attention while I am busy practicing my program elsewhere but never putting it into play in our home.   My children need me to be consistent, even-tempered, and focused.  Tonight, I pray for God to grant me that ability as it does not come naturally to me.