I would love to paint a ‘skipping through the tulips’ portrait of my journey. While anything is better than what I had become, it didn’t stop as soon as I stopped. In other words, there’s a lot more to healing than putting down the drink. I am still healing. Biggest part of healing for me, is not about me. It’s about what I’ve done to others and the regrets I live with. That is my every single day battle. So much shame and guilt. The time lost that I will never get back. At 60 yrs old, this gets to me. Of course, I am living a life I didn’t believe possible but I am real and I am raw. A reflection on 10 years of sobriety has shown me I am more me than ever.
So, when I finally stopped….
life became clearer. Feelings were felt – bigtime. Mind more alert. Love was given. Coffee tasted better….which was HUGE! Let me say that if I hurt you, I am so sorry. I promise I hurt over it too. If you hurt me, forget about it. I forgive you. If you have something to say to me, say it. Be honest. Check your motives.
I won’t lie, I want to drink now and then, but I also want to hold my head up, which is already hard enough. If I drink I know where I’ll go. You don’t drink like I did and be ok. Play the tape until the end as they say.
THANK YOU. Each and every one of YOU. My family, who tried. Rob who stuck by me. Kenny and RT and this site since 2010. Countless friends both far and near. Some who kept me alive. Some who devastated me and some who saved me. You don’t go to treatment, twice to ER, DUI accident that scarred my face, etc., without almost meeting death. You know who you are.
Lastly, but most importantly, I thank my my kids. THEY are the reason I keep going when I feel I can’t. My days are a struggle with health and finances but they are the reason my feet hit the ground each day and why I stay sober. Of course, it’s for me, but, THEY are why I do it for me. My reasons. I saw myself as a little girl and being taken from my mom. I never got over it. Still to this day. She was killed when I was 31 and hadn’t seen her since I was 6. We were just about to reunite. Taken from her, not able see or talk to her and I couldn’t have it happen again with my life. I saw the cycle happening with ME and I had to break it, I could not lose my children. I had lost so much already and saw it coming. James and Genevieve are my salvation.
I love you all in one way or another. Even those who unfriended me for my political views. Lol. The real me. The raw me. All of me.
I hope you too will be able to share a reflection on 10 years of sobriety too.