Fear, procrastination and burying my head in the sand are one and the same thing. It’s debilitating and endlessly self-destructive and I make myself crazy with it. I absolutely know how capable I am and will overcome any challenge presented to me. I know that, because I’ve survived 46 years of challenges, and not one has beaten me. That’s enough evidence to prove that I’m not afraid of adversity of any kind and have all the skills to succeed.
So why then do I consistently indulge in fear, procrastination, and burying my head in the sand? Do I, in fact, adore discomfort as much as comfort? Well yes, I do. I’ve come to know that pain and pleasure have equal value in my soul. It’s the only logical explanation for my consistent (making a mountain out of a molehill) drama. I love it! I can make the most mundane task into an amazing self-indulgent pity party. Even washing dishes for me can turn into a full-on, poor me, episode in my tortured existence. I’m laughing to myself right now because it’s hilarious! I’m hilarious! I can huff and puff as if I’m moving rocks instead of simply washing a few dirty plates.
Do I do it on purpose?
Of course I left the washing up until 10pm when I was tired and irritable and just wanted to sit and watch something equally as dramatic as myself on tv. I could very easily have been organized and had all that done, then sat in peace for the evening. But no! I’ll procrastinate about it until the last minute. Even while watching tv it’s in the back of my mind that it has to be done. It’s poking and prodding at me so I’m never really relaxed or at peace. I eventually drag myself to the kitchen in the middle of an episode of Family’s of The Mafia (see what I mean about the drama) and crashed and banged my way through a ten-minute simple chore. Of course I felt a sense of achievement having a nice clean kitchen to wake up to in the morning. Oh but I felt the burn of fire in my gut having put it off and allowed it to annoy me for hours. Anyone know a good psychiatrist?
Where does the fear come in
So we are all now clear on the fact that drama drives me and I love the burn of annoyance more than the bliss of peace. Yes, I can be trouble. However, fear is also a challenge for me in certain situations. Regardless of how tough I appear on the outside, inside I have a huge issue with shame and disapproval. Because I choose to share my inner self through writing, my first thought always is, maybe I shouldn’t write about this because people will think badly of me. Sometimes I really believe that my organs swim in a sea of shame inside my body. So, as much as I hate to admit it, fear of being shamed and not being accepted cripples me. As a result, I’ll even put off doing what I love, which is writing, until what I want to write about almost suffocates me and I have to put it on paper. However, since I value pain and pleasure equally, does that mean I secretly love to be disapproved of too? Perhaps!
I do know though that my inner critic is far harsher than any judgement from another person. I think most of us can relate to that. But, we can all also relate to having been deeply shamed in the past and never managing to break free from its grip.
How do I overcome it?
For me, it all starts with acceptance. I’ve given up trying to be perfect and godlike. I accept that I am dramatic and that sometimes, I feel shame. Learning how these aspects of my character affect my everyday living creates a sense of freedom inside me. It allows me to laugh at myself and to also admit when I need help. Most days I need help. Most days I fuck up and most days shame seeps into my brain and takes my breath away. I like that I am aware of and understand my feelings and in ways, can enjoy the good and the bad ones equally. That’s what makes me human, and we are all here to have a human experience and understand ourselves deeply. Understanding myself deeply frees me of judgement of others. I’m not so quick to be mad at others’ mistakes – god knows I make plenty of my own to keep me busy.
I’m okay with the fact that I may always struggle with fear, procrastination and burying my head in the sand. I’ve had a lot of “stuff” to deal with and come to terms with but I usually get past those blocks with some effort. The problem will only become unmanageable when I stop challenging that “stuff” and allow it to keep me down. Over my dead body!