The eternal quest to find the perfect life partner – that “someone” we connect with on every level – is something we all crave. If we just find that right person, our whole lives will transform into magic. Having someone to spend our days and nights with, share the highs and lows with and make love with, will definitely enhance our existence – when we are emotionally available enough to create such a connection.

love attracts loveWhen we come into recovery having left our addictive behaviour behind, we often feel a huge loss. A grief of sorts. It’s at this time we are most vulnerable and find ourselves filling that gap with relationships that may end up being detrimental to our wellbeing. Those who are already in relationships are presented with their own set of problems and struggle with the immense surge of feelings and emotions experienced in early recovery. The dynamics of the relationship often change and both partners are unsure how to navigate it anymore.

While training in all of my healing modalities, the most important aspect of giving treatments and caring for another, was to look at my own physical, emotional and spiritual state first. This was further compounded when I came into recovery. You cannot give or attract what you do not possess yourself. And while you may have the theory to practice and logically know what you need to do, do you actually have the presence of mind and heart to carry it out?

When people come to me for healing, and tell me about how they cannot find love or find it hard to connect with the other person, I always look at their relationship with themselves first. I ask questions to understand what it is they need to heal in themselves like:

  • What purpose does having a relationship play in their lives?
  • What can they offer another person?
  • How do they feel about themselves?
  • How do they speak about themselves?
  • How do they practice self-care?
  • How do they view sex and their sexuality?

Asking these questions to a person in recovery often has a multidimensional significance. It’s often the first time they have looked at themselves so deeply. The person answering the questions can be shocked at their own reply. Perhaps they’ve never considered these questions, and just expected to attract love without even knowing the answers or knowing what they want. We are so influenced by what other’s ideas of relationships and sex are that we take on those ideals instead of knowing what our own truth is. Our sexuality and our desire to share that with another runs much deeper than the superficial porn influenced version we are bombarded with on a daily basis. If we don’t explore what it means to us we will consistently come up against people and situations that do not compliment us.

To attract a healthy relationship or to improve an existing one you need to improve yourself and know yourself first.the kiss This isn’t a new concept for people in recovery yet we still try to put everything else, including relationships before our personal recovery. And I know from personal experience, it will never work. To recover means to completely discover and know who you are on all levels.

The most important thing in a recovering persons’ life, is their recovery. If you are not recovered or recovering from your addiction you cannot possibly feel deeply enough to attract or maintain a healthy relationship. We often hear that recovery needs to be a selfish endeavour. However, I completely disagree with that. I feel that there is no greater act of selflessness than to become the best you can be and share that with the people you love. Being fully present and available for those around you is the greatest gift imaginable. By being able to fully take care of yourself, you give people time and space to take care of themselves too. And don’t we all want to meet someone who is a complete person? Don’t we want to be one ourselves?

Personally, my experience of recovery is deeply profound and now the relationship I have with myself comes first. I’ve had to overcome huge trust issues, fear of abandonment, chronic low self-esteem and massive feelings of unworthiness. I conquered these by staying in recovery, years of therapy, creativity and my spiritual practices. All of these things brought me deeply within and helped me get to know who I am as a woman and a human being. I now have boundaries and refuse to mould myself into something I’m not. I will not settle for less than I deserve and I have stopped harming others by being needy and destructive in my relationships with them. I now have something to offer another person instead of constantly taking. At times, because of my difficult past, fear can rise up and consume me, but I’ve also learned how to ask and communicate what I need. If something is not okay with me I say it instead of pushing down my concerns to keep another person happy.

When we get to that point in our recovery, we can create and maintain the most beautiful relationships of our lives. One where we can meet another on a level which is very new to us. We become uninhibited in our expression of love and cast off the societal restrains, shame and guilt of being sexual beings. We find ourselves in a place where the expression of love comes in unexpected ways. Sexuality and love, when experienced through the heart and meeting of minds, is an entirely different entity. It is the manifestation of divine love in its purest from.

Give yourself the time and space to learn and grow and be your own lover first. Then, in time, you will attract the reflection of yourself and the work you have done to become who you truly are.

It will be worth it.

Author

Nicola is a Health & Wellness coach with 20 years experience helping people heal and find their path. She is a qualified Reflexologist, Masseuse and Life Coach. She has created content for intherooms.com for 7 years. She was Editor at iloverecovery.com and has written for many recovery publications online and in print. She is also an author at The Girl God books. She has lived with type 1 diabetes for 38 years, since she was 7 years old.

4 Comments

  1. How very nicely put!
    I was told (in three consecutive meetings by different people which I took as a sign!) is I should not get into a relationship for a year. After I did the work of the program I realized why. I saw my pattern of behavior with women. I had a lot of ME work to do. I’m so glad I did.
    My first relationship in recovery was after a year and a half sober. She became my wife and we now have 2 kids and are happily married. Had I not learned to love myself first, I would have never learned to love my wife as I do now.
    Wonderful message!

  2. One of my favorite books after detox was called LOVE by Leo Buscaglia. He’s passed on now and I used to watch him on PBS too! Here’s a link to follow at http://www.famousquotesandauthors.com/authors/leo_buscaglia_quotes.html

    I feel that the journey of recovery from this chemical world we live in, goes on for a lifetime . . .of course I couldn’t accept that fact as a newbie! My desire to know what I’m all about was to remain as an extreme explorer! I simply had to know the “why, where, what, whens and who!” I have caught myself thinking, so OK, I’ve recovered from my so called chemical addictions. But have I recovered from the results of those conditions!?

    And the answer to that has often frightened me in terms of medical analysis. I have come very close to death in many ways. I’ve seen that little picture show of my life flash by so many times . . .and I end up feeling LOVE! After all, if it were not for the sake of LOVE then I’d probably be dead by now! I know my journey has been shared and felt by others here and that thought alone is LOVE!

  3. You are so wide – even within my long term relationship- and being in long term recovery – I need to stay grounded in ME – so my relationship doesn’t define me. These are wise words indeed: ” my experience of recovery is deeply profound and now the relationship I have with myself comes first.”

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