We didn’t work this hard to achieve the health and wellness we deserve to stay stuck in unhealthy or unfulfilling relationships.

But truth be told, we’ve changed so much in recovery, that this might be the best it’s ever been. Still, how can we know if our romance is worth fighting for, or if it’s time to throw in the towel?

Is it a Gain or a Drain?

It’s a simple question for complicated people. Is that relationship—and this applies, by the way, to work, family, friendships, as well as romance— is it nourishing you, or is it sucking away your energy?

How do you feel when you are around this person? When you’ve spent time with them, do you feel energized, supported and nurtured, or do you feel drained, spent and exhausted? Is it all work and no play?

Of course relationships are work. But there has to be a reason for all that work. There has to be a reward. What are you fighting for here?

Is this Relationship Secure?

Life is short, y’all. And attachment is long. By that, I mean that all of our relationships have a lasting effect on how we love. So consider that as you make your choice. Also consider that an insecurely attached person (if you are one) can become secure if they partner with a secure person.

How can you determine if your partner is securely attached?

Assuming there are no signs their partner has been less than faithful, someone with a secure attachment style rarely feels jealous of their partner.

A person who learned a secure attachment style growing up was probably encouraged to voice their needs rather than suppress them, so they feel comfortable opening up now and asking for support if they need it.

Every couple will occasionally argue. But when you’re dating someone with a secure attachment style, those disagreements can stay civil.

If you tell your securely attached partner that you’re going through a rough time, they will be there for you and show you compassion.

“Compromise” isn’t a scary word for someone with a secure attachment style. They have no problem taking a step back and considering how the two of you can find a middle ground.

A securely attached person isn’t likely to sit around wondering if you’re in a real relationship or an “entanglement.” They are going to get clarity sooner rather than later.

For someone with a secure attachment style, setting boundaries is a normal part of life. They don’t mind telling you if something is bothering them. And in return, when you share a limit, they will respect it.

If you recognize that your partner is secure, but maybe you aren’t, you may consider looking into coaching or therapy to help you earn the security you need to create more stable relationships.

Do you Like this Person 50% or More?

It’s a spiritual axiom that we become who we spend time with.

When we find ourselves struggling with a relationship, we have to also look at how it’s affecting the rest of our lives. Have we become someone we don’t like in order to fit into the relationship?

Do you want what this person has? Maybe it’s a little of both. In that case, does the bad outweigh the good? Do you like them fifty percent or more?

Who Are You Now?

When we are in longer-term relationships, we grow and change. It’s an opportunity to look back at where we came from and forward to where we are going, and by doing so, determine who we are now.

One way to take stock is to write a vision for yourself and the life you want to create. Then, write a vision for this relationship. How do they compliment each other? How do they conflict with each other? Can you get there from here? How does your vision for the relationship compare with the other person’s?

We Walk Away from that Which Hides our Light

Most importantly, we must maintain our integrity. Each of us has a light; a gift to share with the world. When we play small, we hide that light and we do not actualize our potential. This can be soul crushing. And it is a disservice not only to oneself, but to one’s family, community, the world, and yes, to the other person you love so much that you might be willing to let them hide your light. Because chances are, if this connection is hiding your light, it’s hiding theirs too.

If you struggle with relationships in recovery, or if you constantly wonder why everyone else is coupled up and you are still alone, check out my FREE eWorkbook “The One Thing You Need to Stop Doing Right Now if You Want Healthy Relationships (And What to Replace it With).” Just go to www.dufflyn.com to download it today.

Whether you love’ em or leave ‘em, I hope these words have helped bring a little more clarity and compassion into your world today.


Dufflyn Lammers (CPC, CAI, CRS) is an international Relationship & Recovery Coach, Writer, and Speaker. In her international coaching practice, she specializes in women’s intimacy issues (including She Recovers). She presents workshops at treatment centers and conferences, both in-person and online. Her workshops use improv games and creative writing to teach resilience, emotional intelligence, communication skills, and recovery skills through the power of play. Originally from Palo Alto, California, she now lives in Paris and works remotely with people all over the world.

Write A Comment


Who Answers?

Calls to the general helpline will be answered by a paid advertiser of one of our treatment partners.

Considering Inpatient Treatment? 888-844-3455 100% Confidential
Who Answers?