My understanding of our shadow selves and the dark side is maybe unique, maybe not. Here’s what I think. Our shadow self is a major part of us where the truest essence lives. A place we have been told not to look because it is evil, unhealthy and obscene. I’ve visited my shadow self a lot and spent time acquainting myself with its multifaceted personality. I really like it there. It’s fun and naughty and at times really thrilling. If I’m being honest, I’d rather spend all my time living my shadow experiences. The temptation to return to the dark side hovers around me endlessly. I never tire of debauchery.

The dark side is the places where the naughty thrilling stuff of our shadow self can run riot and indulge. There lies the problem. Shadow will indulge to the brink of death, or at very least to the edge of complete destruction.  It answers to our most passionate desires and will allow us whatever we want. Hence the logical self needs to step in to save us from ourselves and pull us back from death. I guess this is the truest form of balance.

I’m an all-or-nothing kinda gal…..

and I really don’t know why I am like that. Balance is some distant utopia that really, I have no desire to visit. Some will say I’m not connected enough to my higher self, or a higher power. Others will say I’m a typical thrill-seeking addict. Perhaps it’s my traumatic past? I’ve come to the conclusion I’m just a really human, human. Flawed to my very core. Too wild to fit into modern-day society. I’m definitely more medieval than modern. I have to try really hard to be good according to our current ideology around goodness. Yet, I want so much to fit into that kind of pure-hearted decency that is revered so much. I know people like that. Decent people. Selfless. Everybody loves them. I bet they could share the contents of their mind publicly and have nothing to hide. I rarely share everything I think with just one person. When I say rarely, I actually mean never. My thoughts are definitely not for public consumption.

I have this one friend….

who gets it more than anyone else I know. We try to avoid each other like the plague and manage to do so for years at a time. He articulates who I am as if he lives inside my head, or in my heart – I’m not sure which. Every now and then we find our way back to each other with every intention of respecting and taking care of the other. That never happens. My life now is quiet, responsible a little boring but I’m happy. He always shows up with some delicious craziness to ignite my curiosity and make me doubt that happiness. I’ve known him for twenty years. The minute we met disaster was on the horizon. Our insatiable appetite for mischief, riotous fun and lack of fear shone brightly from both of us. We recognized ourselves in each other – and that’s not a good thing. The temptation to return to the dark side when he’s around can be overwhelming. He seems to show up at my most vulnerable times. It’s like I summon him subconsciously to breathe life back into me and I know I do the same for him. But too much inhaling will kill you so we flee back to where we came from to save ourselves. Disaster averted – this time.

How will the story end?

None of us know that. All I know for sure is that if my life was easy, I’d be bored. I wouldn’t get up in the morning. I want to not know how things turn out. Maybe that’s the purpose of my sometimes friend turning up like that – to remind me to have fun. I know I choose to live my life quietly now to keep myself safe. I have to stay safe because other people love  me – and I love other people. It’s as simple as that. I’ve made choices in my  life that have made me responsible for the well-being of others. I can’t just slip down into a black hole of doing whatever I please.

But oh the temptation.




  1. I have a dark side friend too.I hate it when she shows up. I know she will go just as far as.I try to push, then add a little or a lot more to make sure she breaks me. The issue is that I want to be broken, but I know the next time it happens I will die .

    I totally get what you’re saying.

  2. i did a lot worse at AA.Successful people tell you not to hang around losers with a lot of personal problems and stuff because it rubs off on you!
    Churches like Lakewood Joel Olsteern say if you have a disease you declare you don’t have it to get healed.This saying your an alcoholic at AA just drives the affliction deeper.
    AA got one thing right, they say alcohol is but a symptom of your problem which is yourself. A loser is a loser drunk or sober and they blame the alcohol for their shortcomings too much.You can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit!
    Some of the richest in the USA drink too much and could by AA definition be drunks!

  3. Hi lovely… You could of literally taken them words you wrote right out of my mouth/journal. I really resonated with what you said about loving your shadow side – I think I actually grieve it as I would a lost friend, deceased loved one when I am clean. Its the side of me that I have been most of my adult life.
    May I ask how you managed to balance out the other side and be a good more socially acceptable version of yourself? I am struggling every time I get clean to find something that I can sink my teeth into like a new career path or something – to try and fit in a little nicer and try make some friends, normal ones!


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