A walk to remember

So, time for me to testify. It’s Easter morning, I am all alone, for the first time in my 34 years on this earth. I am divorced as of Feb 2020, was married for 13 years and fathered 5 children during that marriage. I hardly get to see any of my kids anymore. My fiancé decided she and I should take a break from each other a couple of weeks ago. We have one son together. She took him with her. I have been using this time alone to try and “fix” me. I began soul searching and looking back at some of my past behaviors and responses, and I began dissecting them to find the root cause of my evilness. Basically, what I’ve discovered about myself in the past two weeks is this: I am an alcoholic, I have narcissistic-misogynistic type behaviors, I objectify women, I am border line sex addict, I have very low self-esteem issues, I have zero self-love, I am quick to judge, I get jealous easily, I have separation anxiety, I am depressed, and I have unrealistic standards. I am sure this is not a complete list, but it is a start. I’ve started doing online group meetings, which has been beneficial. There are people on there who are where I am at, people who are worse, and people who have recovered and are there just to support you. The stories and situations people confess to are very relatable and learning how these situations can be handled in a different way is mind-opening. Change begins with your thought process. People always say “change” I even catch myself doing as I am writing this. Something I read during my research really hit home with me. It said change is temporary, evolution is permanent. So don’t change, evolve. That is what I am hoping to do, evolve. I was doing good, a few small slips here and there, but nothing to major, until last night. I was having a really bad day; I stopped on the way home and bought a bottle of whiskey. I got blacked out drunk and passed out, again. Woke up this morning without a clue as to what happened. A feeling that has become way to familiar. As I looked into the blood shot eyes that stared back at me in the mirror, I knew I fucked up. I washed my face, took the last two Tylenol left in the bottle, and walked out the door. I didn’t know where I was going, but I knew two things. One, I had to get out of this empty depressing house, and two, I need to evolve. I left the house at 7:45am and returned around 12:30pm. I walked for 11+ miles and for roughly 5 hours straight. My feet are killing me, I have a sharp pain in my hip, my legs are numb, my head is sunburnt, and the rest of my body is still. But it was the best thing I could have done. This walk was life changing. As I reached the end of the neighborhood, not much crossed my mind and was feeling hopeless. Doubting that this will do anything but waste my morning. When I got to the gas station down by the red light, I went inside and got a coffee. Then continued my journey. I passed several churches on this trip, with it being Easter morning, they were packed with families and children running around playing. The first couple made me feel sad and lonely. I began talking to God as I passed another. Asking him why am I the way I am? Why do I act the way I do? Which developed into what is my purpose in this life? Everyone has a purpose, so I know I do as well. Working as a maintenance worker and providing for two families is not my purpose. It can’t be. There has to be more to this, a greater purpose. Then my thoughts graduated to, okay, I have the job I have and make the money I make for a reason. I am comfortable financially. Could I use my extra income to help others less fortunate? The road I was walking down while thinking these thoughts, is a pretty straight road with no big hills. Out of nowhere a guy was walking in front of me. There hasn’t been anyone else walking previously. I have no idea where this guy came from, he just appeared. He wore rags for clothes and shoes full of holes. He was walking with a bad limp and I could tell he was older in age. As my pace gained on his, he began looking over his shoulder at me. I took this as a sign from God. One thing I have never done, is give away money to people. Especially homeless people. I usually judge them the moment I see them. I say things like, he’s only gonna spend it on drugs or alcohol, or stop being lazy and get a job. I know that is the wrong way to look at life and I felt this was a test. To see if I was really going to evolve. So, as I start to walk past him, I smile at him and say “Happy Easter Sir” He immediately asks me if I have any change that he could have. My normal response would be no. But today, I smiled and said, I tell you what. I pulled out my wallet and the only thing that was in it was a $100 bill. I put this in my wallet a few days ago, just incase I needed it. I have had plenty of opportunities to spend this money, but every time I started to something told me not to, and I would use my debit card instead. I handed him the money and said Happy Easter. He looked at me confused and shocked, and said Jesus has blessed you? I said yes, he has, and smiled as I continued walking. As I walked away, I thought to myself, that Jesus has blessed all of us, not just me. We all have blessings that we sometimes take for granted. As I got to the end of this street, I noticed I was near my eldest son’s house. So, I decided to stop by to apologize in person to him about last night. He had come by to visit, and I remember them getting there, but didn’t remember them leaving. He knows the pain and trouble I have been having, and I felt bad for doing that last night while he was there. I knocked on the door, and texted him, but no one responded. So I turned around and kept walking. I have lived in this town for 25 years and have been down these roads to many times to count. The things you never notice while driving is amazing. There was so much beauty on the sides of the roads, so many flowers. I even passed a field of cows, that I never knew was there. Trees cover the view from the road, unless you are stopped or walking you never even notice it. I just viewed and enjoyed the hidden beauty for most of the walk. I could have taken many different roads on this walk that would have gotten me back home quicker, but something kept telling me that I was not ready. So, I took the longest route possible. As I got closer to home. I began telling my fiancé about the guy I gave the money to, and as I was telling her, the thought crossed my mind. That money means literally nothing to me at this point in my life, and I would have probably spent it on something materialistic or pointless, but probably means a lot to him. For some reason a past memory popped in my head. I was talking to a guy at work, this was probably ten years ago. He goes to church every week and gives his ten percent tithing. I asked him how could he do that? I was struggling financially at the time and could not imagine giving away ten percent of it. He said he never misses it. He said the money you give in God’s name will always be returned to you plus some. I was very skeptical of this, and never did it. My thoughts went back to the homeless guy and started thinking about my purpose in life again. What if everyone has the exact same purpose in life? To love and help others when you have the means to. As I thought about this I looked down, and on the sidewalk was a $20 dollar bill. Laying flat and not moving even though the wind was blowing pretty heavily. I looked around to see if anyone was near, there was no one. I picked it up and put it in my pocket. I smiled and said to myself, well its not the whole hundred but I get your point, as I looked up to God. I walked probably another 50-75 feet after saying that, and I see a hundred-dollar bill sitting on the sidewalk. Literally blew my mind. I picked it up and just stood there. Thoughtless. I continued walking, trying to figure out what just happened. I have never been more certain in my life that God does exist, and he is there for me. I must follow his signs and pay attention to what he is trying to teach me. This was the first time I did not feel alone anymore. I could feel his presence with me. It is comforting and warm, and the peace that came across my mind is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I smiled the biggest smile, and the rest of the trip I viewed the world differently. When I got home, I took the two bills I found and put them into a frame. I placed the frame on my tv stand so I can look at it anytime I start to feel lonely and know someone is there for me.