Fear of me not being who I believe I should be.
Acceptance of myself makes me love myself and not question my reality, therefore, helps keep me sober.
Being at peace with my train of thought
Loving my life, all the shit that happens, not forgetting the past, but living with it. Not allowing my issues of being left alone, or being a bad person to interfere with my sobriety. Of course, I want to numb those uncomfortable feelings and just ....feel happy, not feel the anger, sadness, irritability, out of placeness, not being scared of rejection (that is a big one right now).
I am scared I won't be able to be a good mom, good wife, good person, good employee to start my own business, good student. So what, I won't make good grades and be the perfect student like I have always done in the past. Disappointing those around me is a sign of rejection (in my eyes). Which then is internalized to me feeling abandoned and all alone, to suffer by myself. I don't want to disappoint anyone, and it's hard to let go of that control. I can't make others love me or accept me for me. I try to adjust myself; so I can make them happy. Like with my husband, if I stand up for myself, then it throws him off, and he bucks back and throws me off my current serenity. It feeds into the core value of me not being good enough, which makes me want to do whatever it takes to make him happy again. But what about my happiness.
I am the only one living my life. No one else can live my life. No one else can control my emotions or tell me how to feel unless I allow that person control over my happiness.
Emotions make my world go round. If I keep myself in check with my emotions, then I am ok. It reminds me it's ok, to not be ok, and to feel the emotions, as long as I don't dwell on them. Not letting the emotion engulf me. Finding serenity in the simple things. Finding happiness and not letting others control me. There are different levels of emotional control.
Changing my frame of thoughts so I don't get stuck in the uckiness of the 'what ifs, 'should haves', and 'would haves'. If I just accept what is, go with my gut, listen to my internal beacon of who to trust, what to do, don't wait to take a "me time" so I don't get overwhelmed and get to the tipping point of flipping my sanity.
It feels good to let it out, even though I have told myself for what seems like forever to not let it out because being in the open gives it power over me, but the opposite is true. Talking about the tiniest bullshit that bothers me so it doesn't build up, and turns into ucky total emptiness that engulfs me, is the key to me staying sober. Fill the void with my spirituality, the 12 steps, and the love/acceptance that continues to grow. Acceptance/love for myself along with humility, while not being overconfident and a dickwad to everyone in the process.
It's a daily process. I can do it.
One day/some days/one moment at a time.
Author
bicklebbumpkins