To be honest? My sober friends came with my introduction to AA or should I say any friends at all. Even as a young kid (before alcohol) I never really had friends like I have today. I needed to learn to like myself first. Who knew? Sure I knew others my age and hung around trying to fit in but something was always wrong with me. Always on the outside looking in. Today I know the problem was coping skills, I didn't have any. Self esteem? That was empty too. I had fear and I had obsession. I was desperate for others to like me so I could like myself. The empty soul, I filled myself with others that they must surely like? I'd be just what I thought they wanted, everyone would be my friend. Nope. The jealous insecure control freak. The kind of friend who has to be there but if I wasn't, nobody came looking for me.
Meeting my first sober friends I thought I was at my lowest for sure. No place to live, no money, nothing really. Skin a few shades of gray. But I was beaten into reasonableness. I was willing. I began to show up and care about others. Like more than one at a time. I could care about three or four five people at the same time and not be afraid of them not liking me or not obsessed with it anyway. We were all the same? Blind but not drinking for 24 hours at a time. We all supported each others denial. It was new and it was good. AA was safe.
Before, or should I say the first twenty three years of my life, having two friends at the same time I was afraid one would like the other more than me so the fear was always there. Now in AA and sober for a bit I didn't really care what everyone thought (as much). It was just great to be a part of what was happening. Meetings meetings meetings and the coffee shop after meetings. This was my new life and I wasn't alone. Each day I kept away from a drink and met up with random friends at the meeting. Somebody was always doing something in between formal meetings and I was welcome to be a part of whatever it was. This was the meeting between meetings. Same attitude same friends. My new life. The obsession with my wife not coming back would fade for sometimes hours at a time.
Still hung up on selfish plans and designs I continued to take hostages(girlfriends). Or they took me? Either way we found emotional security for a short time. This definitely stunted my growth but hey, I put the booze down. I could compare myself to living in the gutter drunk and always feel better. Sure it was time for Steps but I had such a people problem it was hard to put them down.
Finally bottoming out on people places and things it was time for some work on myself. I was boxed in really. No people could save me or fix me. It was a God thing now. A Higher Power thing. A day at a time thing. Easy does it. live and let live. THINK. I was armed with all the bumper sticker AA I could handle.
But now coming from a place where I couldn't live with myself drunk or sober? Nothing mattered. I had nowhere to go but into the 12 Steps so I did what was suggested finally, only because I had to, I had no more choices.. I got a 12 Step sponsor. I had a Big Book. I never opened it but I could say I had one. Little did I know just how important this move was. How a bit of willingness and a Book would change my life completely.
I had distanced myself from my AA "friends" and had two choices. It was time for the Steps or find a way to end it all. I was hating people in AA or out of AA. Back to who I always was before AA. From my past they haunted me and the future looked bleak, hopeless really. That impending doom everyday whether I went to meetings or not.
THE SPIRITUAL MISSION
Learning to care enough about myself to care for myself. This is something I didn't understand so the idea I needed a Higher Power for courage or strength? That was just stupid. If I didn't think it, stupid. Somebody else's plan or idea? Stupid. Well stupid or not I was willing. So pray and write a 4th Step. Pray and surrender? Pray and clean up my past? Pray to serve the suffering man...
A HUNDRED FRIENDS
Identifying my own baggage in the Steps and humbling myself really changed things. I didn't even know how fast I was changing. It became a Spiritual thing. I was on the path to freedom. Other men noticed and wanted some of what I had found. So yeah, I began showing others what I did. What had been shown me. These became a new kind of friend for me. A few trusted friends became many. There was no need for gossip or criticism. We all seemed to keep each others confidence? We shared the Spiritual path surrounding our newfound friendships. It was the Big Book 12 Steps for us. We changed daily, our whole attitude and outlook on life had changed. The Book said we wouldn't want to miss this. It was right.
Last night I was at a zoom Big Book 12 Step men's meeting. A guy I sponsored through the Book Steps some 36 years ago was the speaker. He sounded great. Two other guys I have been doing extensive 10th Step work with were there also. They too sounded healthy. Another who came around when I did mentioned my name as someone who helped him long ago. I love these guys. There was a guy who has always been a jerk really but he now had something different. It was great to listen to his experience. I realized it was me who wasn't a jerk anymore. It was me who looked at the good in people rather than need to control them by lowering them to raise myself. I had a host of friends just like the Book said I would if I was willing to follow a few suggestions.
Sure the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking and that's great. Feel free to claim your seat.
But if you are hopeless and want the 12 Steps? Yes if you can make an admission of hopelessness as suggested. The Spiritual way of life offered to those who suffer in their alcoholism will come effortlessly as it has with us. Do not be deterred if you feel you are one of those who cannot find a way out from under their overwhelming burden of self. This program is for you.
Yes, a real suffering hopeless alcoholic can solve the drink problem one day at a time for a lifetime. The total psychic change sufficient to overcome alcoholism? It's free and there for the taking laid out in masterly detail in the Big Book. There you may find yourself on your knees humbled in the presence of your Higher Power. Your God concept in your heart, a copy of the Big Book with it's 12 Steps in your hand. I did.
Like me you'll need to also follow a few simple rules as described in the Doctors Opinion chapter. Rules, that's right. Rules. I have followed the text. I have witnessed the new man recover and create his own host of friends. We are a fellowship of men and women, friends. We care for each others welfare, we share our experience strength and hope. We offer an ear, a ride and ourselves as needed. We generally do anything to help that isn't harming them with selfish intent.
I AM WE
We or me, I have purpose today. A reason for living sober. In my morning meditation this morning as I became Spiritually awakened as suggested with page 86? I saw these friends of mine close by, some in my day ahead. I prayed to be of service to them today. To not do or say anything harmful today. To think positive, with sober clarity. To be the best friend I can today by being good to myself, being Spiritually fit first thereby offering my best. To be good to myself that another may benefit. To be grateful and have friends. This surely is a life worth living today.
Author
stepsherpa