Drugs Alcohol and MY inner Child

Ya know I have such an appreciation for this place InTheRooms.com. (Thank You Gentleman, for truly this place saved my current incarnation. I am so grateful, and this has been my second home since I put myself in this box and was afraid to come out again.) Love You Both Very Much. One thing I have learned in this lifetime, having wonderful spiritual gifts since I was a little kid and being treated as I was because of those "gifts" Covering myself up with substances and other things to fit in with humanity. Hi, I AM Deborah Berndtson Nelson David Harrison and I used to be a self proclaimed fool. I used to beat myself pretty hard for the way this incarnation has been. I try VERY hard, not to do that to myself in the now, but I leap a hurdle and fall, leap a hurdle and fall. Almost fly... and fall. I have hurt everyone around me by hurting myself with these "covers" when all I ever needed was to be loved for who I was and not used, abused or ignored as this has been my whole life... Scared Kid, who never deserved to be beaten to a pulp but was so afraid to be her/himself that the ego self, sheltered her behind all of these things. I had no idea how angry she was until I tried to quit my final vice the damn cigarettes. I turned into a vicious voice an angry person that entitled person who I thought I had tamed in complex trauma treatment, being this way hurts me and is so NOT what I want. So I go right back to the nicotine to avoid hurting other people, which hurts me. Understanding compassion is greeted by her with hate and pain and lashing out. I felt like I should put myself back in that box of safety that I have been hiding in for YEARS so not to hurt anyone. Least of all my sponsor/sponsee. Shivers in writing, I know this is helping but I WILL NOT hurt anymore people, because of the way I treat myself. Unbelievable really, being touched by the spirit within me, and have it tell me what I should do, only to be put in an arena to tame a lion that I had NO idea was there. I had and have been looking at her with pity and it is truly pissing her off. I may be afraid of her for what I have done to her, to myself and to everyone around me has not been "the next right thing" She deserves to be angry. I As an ultimate mother know this to be true. So the next right thing?!? Scary as fuck who I become when I take that little girl out of the box. I wobble at quitting smoking cigarettes and help others while being an angry child I won't knowingly hurt friends by letting her out. Yet... at the same time, by doing this I am hurting her and myself. Myself ?! Others?1 Myself?! Others?!?! what the fuck?!?! That is confusing to me. "helping others helps myself" No, Love yourself first in order to love others. well that didnt work either LoL SO Deb, which is it? Today I am grateful to be free of alcohol, and opioids cut WAY down on caffeine where I used to bring a thermos to share light and sweet coffee in treatment. I have always shared my light with others whether understood or not by them. I released the narcissist that was me when I saw my own limiting belief systems in FULL RAINBOW color. That was an eye-opening experience for sure. What tomorrow brings who knows. But for now. that lion is caged and I do not love myself because of it... The Truth will set me free. Spirit Within Please help me to understand what I need to do to help myself to jump this last hurdle so I may be in service to my melded friend who doesn't have a lot of time left to wait for me. Please help me with your unconditional love and guidance so that I may be useful to you and the others in the collective. I will remain open to the nature of the issue so that I may better understand what is happening and with patience and faith, threats to me put on the back burner as I have dealt with that before and am not scared of them. Im scared of me of her that little angry person whom I can not yell at nor tame but have to listen to sooner versus later but would not like to hurt anyone outside of myself. I don't want to hurt anyone. Again the pressure is no fun, but I did say yes I would help so I did it to myself. I have to say out loud that I had no idea how hard the "fast track" was going to be. All shoved at me in 4 months time. Technically with no help other than the intuitive nature I already had (friends in fellowship folks) but in the karma of past have feared in the past for more pain due to self. You are great and we love you but Quit this quit that, lose yourself, take your ego back and use it because this is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Much bigger than ya ever thought possible. Esoteric in nature is WAYYYY too big for lil Deb to handle How to calm her fear. Im not afraid. She soo is afraid of everything and anything. Deb