I never really thought I had a problem, and to be honest I still don't most of the time. But I knew my relationship with alcohol wasn't normal when I once asked myself "how do people do this?". "This" being staying sober. I couldn't wrap my mind how people would go about their day and not think about when their next drink was going to be. How people could have one drink and not keep on drinking until they were on the verge of blacking out. How people would deal with a rough day without drinking. And I still don't know how people do these things. I know they are what normal people do everyday, but I just don't function like that. I run on alcohol. Whether I'm happy or sad or mad or tired or excited, I'm always going to want to drink. I've been sober for a whole 4 days which doesn't feel like much of an accomplishment yet also feels like its been the four longest days of my life. I keep sitting here just thinking about the bottle in my fridge. No one would know if I had a drink. No one knows i'm struggling with my substance use, no one knows I'm trying to be sober. So no one would know if I had a drink, it would almost be like it never happened. I just keep thinking to myself "what is the point?". What is the point if I don't get to be drunk? What do I even have to look forward to? These days it feels like alcohol is the only thing that makes me good, makes me feel complete. I remember the first time I got really drunk, like the type of drunk after something really bad happens and you don't wanna deal with it so you drink. Even though I knew I was going to be sad the next morning when I woke up hungover, I didn't care. Because even though I had just been dumped by the man who I thought was the love of my life, I had fallen in love again, with alcohol. Except alcohol would never leave me. And it never did, I left alcohol. That was my decision, but sometimes I don't even understand why I did that to myself.

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