When Is Enough Is Enough?..For Starters..The Last 11 Yrs I have Lived Alone, Until My Main landlord of 2 Brithers Passed Away..And Now I Live In Sober Living With Too Many People And Too Much Change And I Feel More Alone Than When I Lived Alone..My Health And Mental Health Is Better When Their Is Order..No Drama If I Can Help It..So All The Girls Here Are In Early Twenties And Less Than 6 Mos Recovery..A Few I Have Grown To Love, But Sad When You See Them Getting Caught Up In Power Trips Or Gossip..Living Alone I Didnt Have That..Only Readson I Came Here Cause I Thought Being Here Was Better Than Hotel Because I Be Around Other People Like Myself..Now I remember Why All My Life I Always Felt Invisible Or Bullied..I Knew That It Be A Seriouis AdJustment ..But Its Too Much Change And Drama Every Week..I Am Just Trying To Live And Get Thru Each Day..I Came Here Until Any Apartment In A 50 Mile Waiting List Comes Available A First Floor..It has To be First Floor First Time In Life and One I Can Afford By Myself And Maybe One Roomie..I Had A Company Getting Ready To Patent A Few Of My Art Items That Are Mental Health Tools And Custom Keepsakes Then my landlord Passes.. I Havent Felt This Lost Of Control Since Before My Last Suicide..Or up To It and First Month Of Recovery..My Health Is Getting Worse, some Of Things Are Chronic and Not Fixable which I got Sort Of used To That Or A -Certain Level Of Acceptance..We Just Found Out Some New Diagnosis's Which Surgury Usually Can FixIn Most Cases..But Not Me..That Is Interfering With Other Chronic Issues To Get Worse ..And Now My Labs Are Showing Worse Results in 11 Yrs according To My Drs Graph..And Those Labs And how I feel Is Turning Into A Surgury I Just Have Had To See Reson I Am Still Have Internal Bleeding At Times Worse Than Before..Did They Miss Something? Did A Mistake Happen? Or Is Something New That Fast?..Questions My Primary Dr Asks , As Well As Me..I Most Of The Time Cannot Enjoy Eating, Due To My Esophagus Falling Apart..The Surgury I Cannot Have and Get A Hernia Fixed.My Choking Is So Scary, And Seems To Happen When Alone..As Time Goes On My Gag Reflex Will Get Weaker And Weaker..Not Allowing Me To Control To Help Myself..I am Stuck In That Rut Where I Need Assisted Living, And There Are 70 Yr Old Ladies Than Can Run Circles Around Me, And Sicker Than Them..But I Am In That Vortex Of Not Old Enough And Not On Medicare..I Found Recovery, A Life Style I Love, But Not Up Too Enjoying Life, Dating And I Have A Girlfriend, I Discovered Hidden Talents That Were Locked Away Growing Up And Wish My Father Had Lived Long Enough To see That My Art Went Beyound Piano , Violin , Viola, And Singing Competitive In Highschool..I Wish I Had Gotten Into recovery So Many Years Sooner So I could Enjoy Those Gifts God Gave Me..I Dont Even Charge People For My Work..If They Pay Something I Pay It Forward , So That Others Can Benefit..I Need A Yellow Brick Road To Light My Way Back ..To Light Me To A Home Where I Can Get More Routine..Schedhule...I Need A Yellow Brick Road To Give Me The Strength To Be Strong..Light My Soul To Bring Me Peace..I Am Not Ready To Leave This Earth Or Be This Sick, Or Have A Roomie Find Me On A Kitchen Floor Or Bedroom Because I Was Choking And Couldnt Dial 911 Or Scream For Help..Or Even Be Alive Long Enough For Paramedic To Help Me..I Truly Am Scared, Sad..I Dont Know What To Do..And I Am Tired..I Dont Have The Energy To Stay Healthy And Rest Like I Should And Try To Look For Place To Live, And Fill Out Grants, And Aid..I Need A Yellow Brick Road To Go Home...

Right now i am learning the new me combined with keeping the qualities and interests that are creative, good, and trying to accept who i am instead of hiding it or have forgotten . Trying to be more honest and respect others and myself.

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