my daily reflections…

today when i am tryna run the show, arrangin everythin to my taste, makin sure that im happy with shit, not thinkin of how my efforts are gonna help another, but only myself, i get blocked from the grace and guidance of my HP. and of course, what usually happens, the show dont come off as i planned cause some other dumbass decided not to follow my clear-cut directions. in that moment, feelin all the human emotion i can, i begin to feel within upset and remember why the show didnt come off as i planned. it wasnt because someone else decided not to follow directions, its that i, forgot to follow clear-cut directions myself. i get to quickly see where i was wrong with an immediate spot inventory. when really agitated i often ask, after takin back the upset from my HP several times, that honest question of, “would a drink help fix this shit?” rememberin then that i have given control up, even if i had worked very hard at somethin and it didnt work the way i wanted it to, i have to humble myself and honestly look at my mistakes. i have to remember that the feelins that rose so quick, are part of a progression i started long before i ever came into the rooms. that even with 15 ½ years of recovery, i am still workin toward fixin that lack of control that had been nurtured and deeply engrained within. that with my HP i have an opportunity to change, so i dont begin to think, then behave on the fatal progression i came into recovery to stop. i must remember that i am buildin a new life on the foundation of sobriety and recovery; that buildin this new life is a slow process but can be done if i honestly follow the spiritual principles of the program. as slow as it may seem, the principles are a necessary weapon for me to possess for overcomin all adverse conditions and accomplishin good in my life. that for every excuse i have today to try to fulfill my self-will, my HP gives me alternatives until i am left with nothin but possibilities. that because of this thing we do, i have power and manageability in my life that allows me to accept my humanness so i can move forward toward self-improvement. rememberin that sobriety without action is fantasy and that without change i am just a non-drinkin drunk, i get to give up my prideful ambitions when run on self-will and accept my failure so i may adhere to my HPs will when it comes in. 1 day @ a time...