since my recovery has begun ive had to surrender to many parts about myself that i had always held as philosophies for my life. many of these were ideas that i thought would sustain me throughout my life. fortunately, each failed me no matter how hard i tried to convince myself of their false truth. when i came into the rooms i was broken, wore out, and beat down by my own doins. of course, i always tried to blame somethin or someone else for my misery, but the cold hard truth of the matter was that i had caused much of it through a belief in ego and self-will. the faith i had always tried to hold in self, other people, places, or things, in the end, never was strong enough to give me the support i needed to be truly successful or live with inner happiness or peace of mind. recovery said that if i was to continue to live without alcohol that i had to form a relationship with somethin greater than i and have faith in what ev it was. listenin to others who had lived a similar lifestyle tell me how when they surrendered and accepted their lot, that faith in God helped them, left me with a curiosity to try the same myself. throwin out little pieces of me to see what would happen i slowly started to gain faith in the flimsiest reeds of the relationship i was learnin to build with my HP. learnin new philosophies, new directions for emotional, spiritual, psychological, and behavioral health and balance meant that i had to throw those old ideas out, they didnt work, they never did. they had been far too rigid. what i found was that spirituality existed in the gray areas of my life, they werent things i could find if i set out lookin for em, they happened when i wasnt even lookin. when i let go of joel, a history of change began to happen. as i started to open my mind, i began to dance with healthy doubt because the certainty i had always lived with turned out to be a killer. i had to learn to remain calm within this inner personal change i was experiencin. today i have the faith i need to accept the change my HP continues to grace me with. ive changed my pattern of reactivity and give my best response by livin an inner calm as life develops around me. it is a direct result of gainin and usin faith. 1 day @ a time...
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