i can recall in the beginnin of my recovery how overwhelmin i thought this thing we do was gonna be. i mean, lookin at it all scared me. and after bein in the rooms for a while, without sponsorship, i made the decision to do it by myself. well, ya’ll can guess how well that went over with the old timers. so, i embarked on gettin outta self and tryna find someone to ask. at the time i was livin in a halfway house and one of the requirements within the first 30 days was to get a sponsor. so, as i procrastinated and the 30 days was comin up, i got a sponsor. i didnt know if this guy was gonna work or not, but i knew the alternative was livin in the streets. as we pressed forward together i started throwin out pieces of me to see if i could build a trustin relationship with him. right away this guy tried askin me if i had a “God” problem. i was all like wtf man, this guy doesnt even really know me and he is askin some shit like this. i knew i had to try to start believin in somethin greater than myself by this time. i told him of my religious experience as a young un and told him if i had to, i could try that. he laughed and suggested that as i started workin on that, i could use the program of alcoholics anonymous as my HP until i could start to form a relationship with God. he told me it was a program tried and true, that he didnt mean the fellowship, he meant the program and explained to me the difference between the two. he said the program would never fail me if i used it as it was meant to be used. he said that the fellowship was human and had the potential to fail me. for years, i thought i was alone-lost, isolated, and afraid. today i understand this to be a symptom of my alcoholism, an aspect of my disease. my sponsors suggestions made sense to me, so, for the early days of my recovery i listened to others, but used the programs spiritual principles to get by on until i could begin to form a relationship with God. since those early days of my recovery i have built a relationship with God. i have surrendered my spiritual malady to Him and have lived the promises the program says will happen. when i am struck with troubles that confuse me, today instead of tryin to run the show, i call upon Him for the guidance, courage, and strength to help me live forward. 1 day @ a time...
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