my daily reflections…

i didnt know what to expect out of this program when i first came in. i knew i was beat down and needed to find somethin to help me stop all the chaos and destruction i caused. i could feel it all within and i couldnt stop the anger and self-loathin i had toward myself over it all. and to be honest, i didnt even know when i first came into the rooms if i would stay. seein and listenin to others share their stories of how this thing we do had changed their lives was interestin, but all that work they did seemed dauntin and caused a fear within. a fear that i wouldnt ever be able to have a drink again or enjoy life like i thought i had. i think the worst fear i had back then was not bein able to do what i wanted when or the way i wanted; it was a fear of an uncertain and borin future. but if those others could perdure, why couldnt i? they had smiles and a laughter that poured from the inside. they believed in themselves, it was evident from the way they would speak and the way they behaved. somethin within em was workin, somethin within em gave em the confidence they needed, somethin within em made em show an interest in givin me the unconditional forgiveness, hope, and love i truly needed. it seemed as if their faith helped them move forward. i wanted everythin they had, i wanted to feel and act like they did. if their HPs spirit could flow from them and grow within em, why couldnt it for me too? they did the next right thing, and then got up the next day to do the next right thing again. what kinda craziness was that? today i have what they have. i have faith, i have love, i have forgiveness, and i have hope. these actions are not just a feelin but a connection, a reachin out, and a communion. i get to give these things to others, just as those who came in before me did for me. today, i get to live, not only what i have thought and felt, but what they showed me how to do, for myself and for others. the fear i had back in those early days has left me as ive experienced the freedom they taught me to have. i live on a different basis for life; the basis of trustin and relyin upon my HP. i trust infinite God rather than my finite self, i have the self-confidence they showed me. i get to meet my fears today with faith. 1 day @ a time...