my daily reflections…

ive defined my self-will as my spiritual malady for a very long time in recovery. it is what kept me blocked for years before my recovery began and what can still keep me from receivin the will of my HP. surely, i may hear His intuitive voice today, but when i am self-seekin and my ego has been touched by a source i may find unbecomin by me, my spiritual malady goes into self-preservation mode. often times, as in the past, my troubles arise out of my own makin. instead of usin what recovery teaches me, i fall back upon the reliance of my human nature and lash out at others. as this mornins readin clearly states, i become the alcoholic in recovery who allows himself to become an example of self-will run riot because i have justified and rationalized a behavior that i feel is suited for the situation ive felt has wronged me. and to further move forward with this mornins readin, above everythin, i must be rid of this selfishness. i must or it will kill me. as ive sat in the rooms over the years ive watched many go to the extremes of their alcoholism after a period of sobriety and recovery, to their bitter end. i dont know what the specifics may have been that drove them to such a state, but when ive paid attention and applied what ive learned through recovery i can sometimes assess the reasons. call it judgement, or what ya will, cause it is what it is, but it is a healthy judgment which has allowed me to see the outcome of my life if i choose to let my spiritual malady take over my life again. recovery has taught me that there are solutions other than self that i can use to overcome me if i surrender, am patient, practice honesty and tolerance, and use faith. i must say a little prayer to God for the strength needed to keep the bargain with Him and myself of the recovery i wish to practice. i want to grow in this new life and if i think of spiritual things when im touched by my spiritual malady, i get to learn and grow away from my self-will. when i think of my HPs unconditional forgiveness and love for me, i get to overcome my will with simple, honest, acceptance. when i practice acceptance of others and self, regardless of what i feel like i wanna do, im lead toward understandin. when i choose to act as if my HP would, i try my best to forgive and love others unconditionally. when i do this, my spiritual malady doesnt stand a chance. today i have a defense against the first drink when i let go and let God, to overcome self. 1 day @ a time...