my daily reflections…

faith in recovery started for me when i tossed pieces of myself out with hope that they would return without too much harm to me. after the first official meetin with my sponsor and his suggestion to use the program of recovery as my HP until i could start to build a relationship with one of my own conception, i began to try to do as he proposed. and it wasnt that my HP didnt start showin Himself to me, cause He did. though i couldnt realize or see it because i was still wrapped tightly in self, as my time progressed in recovery and the uptight emotional chaos within started to calm, i could see how He was doin for me what i couldnt do for myself. little amounts of surrender started to grow and with that, acceptance, but both took time. i reckon there wasnt anything i couldnt do, unless i went back to doin my dirt, that would stop the blessins from comin, i just had to continue to open my mind and free myself from self. it seemed as i learned to keep my mouth shut, He showed Himself more. it was a conscious action on my behalf because i knew if there was one person that could get me goin, it was me. i was broken and knew it, nothin i did to stop the tornado of my life worked. the only thing that did work was when i came into the halfway house i had moved into. there, i couldnt drink if i wanted to stay. my sponsor told me that if i stayed at the house i was livin in and that if i followed the indicated spiritual principles and steps as they were laid out, without me tryin to change em, my faith would begin to grow and that i would feel that freedom within. and wouldnt ya know it, his ass was right. as the series of chaotic life around me calmed and my incoherent reactions ceased, i began to think differently and make decisions, followed by actions, that didnt seem to cause the problems i had become so used to. and as i think of those times today, i see how my HP was workin in my life without me realizin it was Him. as i continued to use the steps, my sponsor, and the fellowship, i could begin to make sense of how i got so lost. today i am still open and committed to learnin and buildin a relationship with my HP that continues to strengthen my faith. ive learned throughout my recovery that the faith ive grown has helped me have a better life. willingness has been indispensable. 1 day @ a time...