my daily reflections…

i remember the 1st personal inventory i did. it wasnt as detailed as ones i had done later in my recovery, but it did touch on the issues that were plaguin me at the time. it was quite an eye openin experience for me. i didnt know that the solutions to the problems that seemed to keep me baffled and stuck in a whiskey jug were gonna be so easily resolved. sho nuff the basic and totally human natures of selfishness, fear, resentment, ego, and false pride were enveloped within it. they seemed to be the character defects that had kept me alone and had me wantin to fight everythin and everybody. the selfishness i had nurtured and kept all of my life i learned had stemmed from my early childhood. i was always afraid that someone would find out about the inner child i had within that begged me to put up fronts and build an ego that promoted a false sense of pride. when someone touched on any of what i thought made me happy or fearful, i would lash out against them because i couldnt let them know what my true thoughts or feelins were. if they knew these things within, that might give em an upper hand over me. even worse yet, they may try to use em against me. these character defects, these fears, distinguished me from others and made me feel safe. learnin these things and the simple solutions of actually facin em, later gave me a sense of power. as i lived my recovery, i could sense that the power i thought i had before findin these things out wasnt shit compared to the power of actually knowin about em and workin toward acceptin and facin em. i used them in very unhealthy ways to battle the world around me keepin me unbalanced and continuin to destroy the quality of my life. doin that initial inventory, learnin how i could still live with em without continuin to destroy me on the inside, was a very big step back then. the look within opened the door to search more. it opened the door for hope that i could go forward and feel that life, even when tough, was worth livin without alcohol. when the unexpected results followed, i felt different; in fact, i knew different; and so, i became sold on how the process of recovery could continue to help me. 1 day @ a time...