my daily reflections…

when i came into the rooms, i needed to build the positive character assets i had and start deflatin the negative ones. for so long i had lived under my own direction, that the character i did have was rotten and failin. i dont want to convey that everything i ever did was wrong, or that i didnt have any positive character assets within me while out doin my dirt, because i did. what i want to pass along is that the selfishness, self-will, and resentment i had built up within led me to the spiritual malady i understand today was much of the crux of my problem throughout life. the only faith i had was in myself, no HP, no God, no nothin, other than alcohol. surely, i would try to place faith in others, money, or ideas, but when they didnt live up to the high expectations i had placed upon them, i was left hurt and broken hearted, with only alcohol to fill the void. when i was left drunk and clueless, i would act in ways that hurt others. their reaction to my action left me even worse than before. i thought, why would they do this to me after i had been so kind, not realizin that the shit i had done was offensive or harmful to them. then the buildin up and firmin up of the negative character i had would start. out would come meanness and indignant disrespect for those around me. it seemed it didnt matter as long as i got what i wanted or left them feelin the way i felt. domination or revulsion is what i always had to face. and in the end, even that was too much. i could no longer force my way or myself onto others because there was nobody around me anymore, but me. eventually others dominated me and i was the one left feelin repugnance, distaste, or dislike. the terminal uniqueness i had built within had me focused on my own existence. in reality, i found out through inventory, that some of the symptoms of my alcoholism were low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, and that i was a fake. my alcoholism had isolated me and drove me into myself. i had retreated from common humanity into a single unhappy consciousness. my world narrowed and any joy was only found at the bottom of a whiskey jug. personal inventory has given me the ability to find and work on buildin the positive character i have within me today. i have been able to open a channel as best i can to my HP and build relationships, not tear them down. i get to find knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out as i walk with Him. ive found, He will meet me at the Steps, when i am patient and remain open. 1 day @ a time...