my daily reflections…

while out doin my dirt, if i could relieve myself of any responsibility for the way i felt within, i was game for it. blamin everybody and everything for the shit that happened to me, i later found out i always played the biggest part in, always took away the responsibility i had in all of it. i could twist and recreate any situation or circumstance so that it made me feel absolved of any wrong doins. in a sense, takin everybodys inventory, judgin them as negatively as i could. this always gave me the right to justify and rationalize my thinkin, behavior, and actions. recovery taught me that i had an inability to see beyond myself and my own need to do whatever i could do to make myself feel better within. the selfishness and self-centeredness i had created and nurtured placed me at the center of the universe where everything and everybody revolved. i had made me my HP which later failed, and alcohol quickly replaced. i had to learn how to let loose those core character defects. recovery showed me of the richness and comprehensiveness a personal inventory could result in. it taught me how blamin poverty, alcoholism, violence, cheatin, divorce, and sexism, was a way for me to make myself clean, white as snow. it showed me just how insane my thinkin had become. i used my mind too much in all the wrong ways. as i intellectualized everything, i could make myself believe i was better or less than another, givin me perceived legitimate reason to be who i had become. the power of my mind to intellectualize a life into a mess was amazin. i learned that the program should be utilized not intellectualized. so, i had to stop tryin to overthink and outsmart myself. it was time to start takin my own inventory! as i watched others in the rooms, i began to understand how the steps told me how the program worked, how the traditions told me why it worked, and that my sponsor and fellow members showed me that it worked. personal inventory was key to inner growth. awareness, acceptance, and action, needed to be done on my behalf, for me, and later for others. it was only by acceptin and solvin my problems that i could begin to, accept my humanness, get right with myself, with the world about me, and with my HP. personal inventory has become a passe-partout for me. 1 day @ a time...