from a young age i always felt as if i couldnt be a part of a group. with personal inventory i was able to find out why this self-induced loneliness had troubled me for a majority of my life before recovery. i learned that because of some of the emotional trauma i had experienced, i chose to separate myself from others because i found safety and peace within this very unhealthy solitude. within it, i could play the part i wanted, i could be the person i wanted to be without the fear of criticism from others. i could tell myself, and later believe, the false sense of security it provided. unfortunately for me, many of these couldnt be contained within and i would act out in ways that made me a bully, hurtin others, only to cause me more inner personal harm in the end. i would begin to believe i was better than others, and when that was crushed, i would try to hide amongst the crowd, makin myself invisible. these self-centered ways of thinkin, behavin, and actin, always proved to be wrong. even though i had been taught how to be a decent human, i was ashamed of myself and lived with a self-esteem problem that eventually kept the loneliness i had come to live seem a natural way of life. in recovery i seen people who used what they had learned about themselves to take themselves away from bein the center of the universe. they showed me how i could teach myself to rely more on the fellowship of others and on strength from my HP. as i practiced how to turn around what my personal inventory was tellin me, learnin how to be my natural self in fellowship, prayer, and by workin with others, i seen how this not only helped me but was what made the program of recovery work. personal inventory showed me how to find the miracles of change and the true interpretation of my life. i learned how to tolerate the differences in my personality and respect my character by respectin the opinions of others, even when they had different views than i. i learned that respect and consideration of others, involved tolerance, and with that understandin i could feel free to be myself. i could think, behave, and act, in healthy ways that built a good life for me in the now. i learned that it was ok for me to be different. stoppin drinkin didnt solve all my problems, but it did allow me to find a way to beat my fear of failure so i could take stock of my defects and assets realistically and honestly. knowin what my defects and assets were, and acceptin them, provided the confidence i needed to attempt to strive for the goal of a positive solution to them. today, because of personal inventory, i do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. i can be a part of a true brotherhood. 1 day @ a time...
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