i owe my family the most for the gifts recovery have given me. though my children are grown and on their own today, and my ex-wife has since passed onto the other side, they are still the ones i feel i owe the most for the gift of recovery. they were the ones who suffered as i took the time away from them that was rightly theirs. i took from them their love, their trust, and their hope. and as mentioned, their most valuable commodity, their time. when i think of the price they paid while i was out doin my dirt, it boldens my devotion for the recovery i live today. see, i dont want to ever hurt anybody like that again, ever. i dont want to be the person that becomes an anathema to another again. what i want to be, and remain, is an adminicle to anothers life. when i practice the spiritual principle of gratitude, to whom ever receives it, it is a payment back to my family for the disruption of their life. i wouldnt know or understand any of what ive mentioned thus far without a thorough and comprehensive personal inventory. with it i am able to see that the words i said to them, the behavior i used, and the actions i did to them, were to fulfill some selfish want at the expense of their emotions and love. and when i find how these things hurt them, even after years of recovery, i must be responsible to myself and to them, and not let guilt, remorse, or shame, try to take me into morbid reflection. ya see man, there aint shit i can do about what i did back then, other than apologize and admit my wrong doin. what my responsibility becomes is to not do that shit to another again. to live in such a manner that that shit doesnt ever happen again. like i said, my children are grown adults and have children of their own. my ex-wife has passed. but that is no excuse to forget about what i did, it is however a reason to remember so it doesnt happen again. it is a reason to forgive myself so i may move forward and live as my HP would have me, servin others and my children when i am able to. with the essentials of confidence and healthy pride, i aint gotta be ashamed; i aint gotta live with a toxic form of pride that leads to arrogance, animosity, and confusion. i can live in preparation for somethin better to come. i must feel, in the night of sorrow, that understanding joy that tells of confident expectation of better things to come. “sorrow may endure for a night but joy cometh in the mornin.” outgoin gratitude is that joy. what i fear, i create. 1 day @ a time...
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