my daily reflections…

when i came into the rooms this last time, i was tired, i had beat myself down emotionally, psychologically, and later learned, spiritually. i seen how others were livin differently than i thought they would in recovery. they werent a bunch of uptight assholes who were reformed drinkers. they werent angry or mad, they seemed to have fun with what they were doin in their lives. they didnt preach about the ills of alcohol and they werent people who were tryin to shut down anybody who could still drink. this was a shock to me. my experiences as a child in church had taught me that the people who didnt drink had morals that seemed beyond my reach. and i naturally thought that the people in the rooms were the same way. man, how i had let just a few people shape my image of all people who didnt drink in my youth. i surely didnt know that the reasons they were happy, smiled, and laughed boisterously, was because they werent people who were bigoted over alcohol. a natural curiosity had me wonderin how and why they could feel so free. how they, after a meetin, may go to a place that served alcohol and have dinner; how they may go to a concert, or sportin event where alcohol was all around em and it didnt affect em one bit. as i wondered and learned more about what recovery had to offer me, i learned that their faith, their willingness to take personal inventory, and their seemin carefree attitude about livin life in the now, provided them the ability to live as they wanted, without alcohol. they showed me how they let God make His home in their humble and obedient hearts. they showed me how they obeyed His guidance to the best of their ability. they showed me how their growth was a willingness to change for the better and then how an unremittin willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entailed made them able to live the life they wanted. if i wanted what they had i had to do as they did. as i began to take my personal inventory, i later realized how the balance of doin such a thing made them better. i could feel harmony take the place of anger and hatred within. with what i had learned about myself, as spiritual growth came to me, i started expressin on the outside what i privately knew about myself on the inside. today i feel relief and have gained self-respect because of personal inventory. i, like they who showed me, no longer harbor, and protect, a real rottenness inside that needs to be exposed so i can change. i have been made aware. ive grown stronger spiritually as i have drawn closer to reality and gave up the show of virtue, by learnin of myself. with the faith that this thing we do works, ive experienced its riches of personal freedom. today i get to hold my face up to the light, even though for the moment i may not see. ive grown up. 1 day @ a time...