my daily reflections…

yesterday was the 1st anniversary of my cousins death from TheCoViD19s. if i was to say to ya that i didnt feel the flood of emotions that come from a life event such as that, i be a straight up liar. grief, anger, sadness, and yes, even self-pity, came to me. it bothered me so bad that i left work early before the end of my shift. i couldnt concentrate on what i was posed to. i was consumed by self-pity. i was not happy, i did not have any peace of mind. i reckon im human and recovery has taught me that it is ok for me to be human. it is ok for me to feel basic human emotion. hell, its even ok for me to react to it. its when i start to let these emotions affect me in ways that are unhealthy that i begin to sink further into barrin any spiritual progress. i am then cut off from receivin any of the good recovery has taught me to use to feel the emotion, react healthily to it, and then let it pass. ive learned that its ok for me to voice heavy emotion. that its ok to allow myself to heal from it. when i am open to the healin from such traumatic life events as my cousins untimely and unfortunate death, i get to give the feelins up to my HP and listen to His will on how to handle it. for me to think, behave, or react, to it with an unhealthy mannerism is for me to expect inordinate demands for attention and sympathy from those around me. it doesnt mean i cant allow myself to receive condolence, it just means that continuin to wallow in grief only invites the unhealthy forms of self-pity to become a maudlin form of martyrdom. a healthy way to deal with such sorrow is to let my spirituality combine my physical, mental, and emotional states, so that i may heal properly. it allows me to know God is alive in the world and wants me to be a part of it, not alone selfishly wallowin in self-pity. in my recovery im slowly developin new responses to my emotions. im learnin how to listen rather than how to shame or try to control. from the steps, like the personal inventory of step 4, im learnin to absorb a new set of values and a new understandin of who i really am. just knowin that some habits need to go is a beginnin, perfection isnt to be expected, makin a tiny bit of progress every day, is all i need to do. i cant do His will my way, i must allow myself to be human, so i can live in peace with myself and with my fellows. 1 day @ a time...