my daily reflections…

today, bein the 16yr anniversary of my recovery, self-honesty is a character asset i must live with. not always do i like the shit that surrounds me or the way that i may feel about it, but bein as honest as i can with myself about what ev i am facin or dealin with has to be somethin i am. i can recall comin into the rooms stuck, confused, bothered by the simplest of things, and not havin the understandin that if, and when, i am honest with myself about what was happenin in my life, i might not make it to the end of the day. i had become so used to story tellin myself that the illusion i was creatin further drove my delusional thinkin and behavior. even though i could feel my life slippin through my fingers, i had this delusion that if i could only stop the drinkin by my own self-will, i could make it. as i sat in the rooms, listened to others tell the honesty of their storys, and thought about all i had tried to do by myself, i began to feel that maybe, just maybe, what i had been dealin with was somethin beyond my personal control. it became evident to me as the days, weeks, and months ticked by that when i looked back over my drinkin career, i took out what i put into it. when i put drinkin into my life, even before myself, i took to the delusion that the illusion i was creatin was makin me stronger, when in reality it had made me sicker emotionally, psychologically, behaviorally, and spiritually. it didnt amount to much as the paper grocery sack of dirty clothes i came in with proved. the jails for drunken drivin, the loss of jobs, and most importantly the loss of home and family, where things that i had to honestly look at so i could find out just exactly what had caused them. personal inventory provided me with, when i could be as honest as those i was listenin to, the story tellin i had done to myself. i so desperately wanted the healin, recovery, empowerment, prosperity, and health i heard, and seen, others livin in their lives. it was time for me to make the essential choice of self-honesty to improve my life, to create success, instead of total self-destruction. i had to start settin and livin by a healthy set of boundaries. boundaries for me were unfamiliar, and when i set them they were many times disregarded in lieu of selfishness. i created a pattern i continued to act on as my alcoholism progressed. willingness to set boundaries and stick with them brought me a clearer sense of who i was. i had to stop veerin between two extremes, holdin back for fear of blurrin boundaries or actin as if i had no boundaries at all. with boundaries came a new sense of self-respect and self-honesty as i affirmed to myself that i wasnt just an object to be trampled on or used but was a human bein with dignity. the serious emotional problems i had created were misdirected instinct and had turned into physical and mental liabilities. today i feel blessed that i was able to become honest enough with self so that i could make the vigorous and painstakin effort to discover what these liabilities in me have been and are. 1 day @ a time...