ive battled despair and i aint too fond of doin it, hopelessness sucks ass man! and its so true, in my case, that when i go to relyin on self, without the help of my HP or a guided direction from a trusted friend in recovery, the signal i think i have with my HP is broken. and the more i swing off course into self-reliance, the intuitive connection i have with my HP stops all together. ive learned that there is no humility when i act and think like im the shit and dont need the direction or relationship with my HP. today i understand that if i want change, i have to be willin to accept that my will is imperfect. i have to welcome the idea that i can be wrong sometimes. when i can do this, i open the door to communication with God and humility starts to become acquirable. i have to be willin to say, “im sorry, i was wrong”, and believe it. when i crush ego with such statements, i begin to grow toward bein an individual that can live amongst my fellows. its somethin i have to do on a daily basis in my recovery. spirituality has an opportunity to grow and knowledge that i do not have all the answers begins to become wisdom. i then am given the freedom to experience joy and growth in the dilemmas of my life. not always do the good points i think i have and live with are desired by others. so, i must work toward self-acceptance and be ok with the fact that each person i may interact with is different from me. rejection from others or myself doesnt mean im always wrong so i dont need to waste time beatin myself up. what i can do is use humility to see whats right within, and to, me. sometimes, too much of a good thing can be inappropriate, and even as i may wish it, velleity, unaccompanied by an effort to obtain humility, gets me nothin. when i keep an honest desire to seek and do Gods will, i get to live with humility as a gift and keep it intact. ive learned in my recovery, that despair and hopelessness isnt found in doin right, its found in the failures of doin my self-will. 1 day @ a time...
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