my daily reflections…

when i was out doin my dirt i thought i had everythin under control. i didnt feel like i suffered too much because, “i got this”. and sometimes i did do everythin just right. that always gave me the confidence i needed to try again. i learned in my recovery, through many personal inventories, that most of the shit that worked out just happened to be mere luck. maybe in some instances i was blessed, but i believe most were just mere luck. even as things worked out sometimes, i still felt like shit within as i continued to grow up. and by grow up, i mean progress in age, not any kind of emotional or psychological maturity. i was a selfish bastard and only always wanted what i wanted regardless of the consequences i may face later, or others may suffer from. i had to look at all the shit i had done in my life, come to terms with the emotional pain it caused me and others, and surrender to the unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand. i began to understand that if i was to be an extremist, i had to be one with my personal recovery, it was the only way i could heal from the demands i put on myself. the spiritual part of me was isolated and unhappy if it had existed at all. i had to admit, surrender, and accept that i was often wrong and in pain. i had to stop spendin so much time worryin about the calamity that befell me. i found, through personal inventory it was impossible to enjoy what was within and then expect myself to put out the energy and time to create new, excitin connections with my HP, self, and others. recovery taught me how to use what it offered to gain the ability to move with the flow of life. i learned that recovery was bein open to the possibilities of what might be and accept that i couldnt control outcomes. as a result, today i have much less fear of the future. healin my spiritual condition as time has crept by has given me the ability to share these things with others so i may continue to heal, hopefully helpin another. when i accept His presence, His truth, His spirit, His strength, they are always immediately available to me. when i am open to acceptance i am not blocked off by selfishness, intellectual pride, fear, greed, and materialism. today, i am blessed, and am still growin up. 1 day @ a time...