my daily reflections…

the beginnin of feelin any kind of peace began when i checked into the halfway house i stayed at. it wasnt like an overwhelmin relief, but i certainly felt relief. i think the feelin of peace started to truly grow after i had gotten to the 6th step. i had found out a lot about who i was with the 4th and 5th steps, but the willingness to move forward after i had talked with my sponsor in the 5th step brought a feelin that i could heal from what i had found. peace was somethin that grew as my time in early recovery progressed. step 7 offered me the acceptance of self that had me wantin to figure out which character defects and shortcomins were the impetus of why and how i had hurt those i had held resentment against. i reckon at the time i didnt know if makin an amends would help the other people i had written on my list, but as i listened and learned from my sponsor and those in the rooms, courage to move forward with step 9 grew. i think back and look at how each step was a progression toward gainin and keepin the peace of mind that makes me who i am today. how becomin happy with the person i was growin into was actually makin a difference in each relationship i was formin or tryin to repair. even the one with myself. the fears that had steered so much of the way i behaved and thought all my life were let go of as i made the amends i got to make. acceptance of what ev the people needed to forgive me and tell me they loved me or hated me came as i approached each one and told them of my wrongs and fears, not what was wrong with them, as i had done so much of while out doin my dirt. it was all about learnin to forgive and love myself, this whole idea of freedom from fear. the motivation to improve my life, the willingness to tell another all about who i was, and who i was tryin to become, i think, drove the fear within crazy. it was truly transformational. i was brought into an open place, i was rescued by the grace of God and felt that He delighted in me as i sorted through my shit and became honest with the people in my life. with thanks to God for all the rescued moments and for all the times i have been saved from my excesses, i continue to persevere and grow within with peace of mind and freedom from fear when it strikes. its the miracle of recovery i get to live today. ive learned askin for help is a case of humility and not a cause for humiliation. 1 day @ a time...