my daily reflections…

i couldnt live any more the way i was livin before my recovery began. my reliance on alcohol was killin me. i was doin and sayin stupid shit all the time. shit that was either gonna get me killed or i would kill somebody. people had left me because of my actions and words. i became homeless and lost all i had ever worked for. self-sufficiency had failed me, i had to try another way to regain my life. when i came into the rooms i didnt know if recovery would work for me. i didnt know if i could do it. but i damn sure knew i didnt wanna live like i had been in the prior years. the drastic course that was the 12 steps toward a new way of life scared me, but goin back scared me even more. so as angry and hateful as i was, as much resentment and fear as i had, i had to turn to willingness to get past it. to say i stayed sober on sheer willpower for the first few weeks or months would be a true statement. to say i could remain sober usin anger, hate, resentment, and fear, would be a lie. i had to change. i had to accept that i had done what happened to me, alcohol didnt. those who were in the rooms offered me love unconditionally. and ya know that foh sho made me leery, but i had to listen, more importantly, i had to do what they suggested, less i go back and on to the bitter end. as time went by and i began to quiet the impulse of joel, i was able to begin findin strength in quietness. they told me i could in time, and they were right. it took willingness, definitions in any great book could not describe. my alcoholism didnt want to accept their love, or their words, i fought an inner battle i could never explain. only another alcoholic could, and the ones that were there when i came in, understood that battle. more and more the poetic, expansive concept, of spirituality began to infiltrate the core of my thinkin. they, the ones that loved me unconditionally, were gettin through to me, and i was becomin more inquisitive. as immature, as i was in the early stages of recovery, i wanted somethin i had never had before, a relationship with self that was healthy and balanced, like the lives they had. today i understand my strengths and weaknesses better, ive learned from my mistakes, and i know how to work the program to recover. its because i was loved into recovery by those who were there when i came in. i get to pass that same unconditional love on today. behavior, attitude, thinkin, and habits have changed into characteristics that are healthy, sane, and balanced. 1 day @ a time...