sometimes it is hard for me to be on guard every minute of every day so i dont go to runnin my mouth or doin some shit that is gonna harm another or myself. i reckon if i wanna rely on self-will and go about da world all willy nilly, not givin a fuck about myself or others, then i aint gotta try to keep a watchful eye on self. i remember the drama i used to cause and how i seemed to almost always thrive on it. it seemed to give me purpose, it seemed to give me a reason to either celebrate or give me reason to sulk into self-pity. i reckon i would not know or understand this if it werent for the personal inventory of step 4. today i dont want to live with those feelins, always havin to defend why i did or said somethin, tryin to justify or rationalize my words, thinkin, or behaviors. it really is too much work. i reckon today, havin put into practice what the 12 spiritual principles suggest, havin learned the shit that can well up within, takin a personal, spot-check, inventory aint so hard. today i can look at who and what i am, i can say and do things that dont show my ass, i can display what recovery has taught me. if i do one thing simply, stop, and not let heated emotion do my talkin or actin, i can usually move through situations with a gentler, kinder, strength, because i know Gods got my back. i learned my weaknesses and strengths through the prior 9 steps, step 10 is when i get to put into practice what i learned. as i grow and evolve into someone i have never been before, i get to use, and even learn more, the stability recovery has taught me. the only permanence i can truly rely upon is my HP and the change He gifts me with to learn from and grow toward. even as i may still view myself as somehow broken and unworthy sometimes, a sure show of a character defect i still have, the first step in generatin the energy of bein attractive to others, and myself, is to accept myself as i am, right now, this moment. this is where daily monitorin is of the greatest benefit to me. i am a work in progress, learnin to love who i am each step of my recovery journey. i am whole right now, and ever changin, evolvin into my amazin greatness, the greatness He helps me with. for me, daily monitorin helps me be more carin rather than judgmental. 1 day @ a time...
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