i remember the desperation and defeat i felt in the last days of doin my dirt. it appeared that there was no way out of the loneliness, self-pity, guilt, self-hate, and anger. the only thing that would take it away was another drink into someone i didnt want to be any longer. but it worked, if only for a little while, it worked. the fear of the next day would soon come. how was i to get what i needed to make it through the day? what would i have to do today to make what i felt within go the fuck away? i didnt want to feel like that anymore, but i didnt know what to do. not to take that next drink meant i would have to face me. i didnt know how to do that without a drink. and i tried for a long time, every method i could, so i wouldnt have to feel those emotions bake into the core of my mind, of my soul. this even went on well into my stay at the halfway house i was livin in. i hated everybody because i hated me. they told me to just sit in the coffee bar and listen. they told me to get a sponsor. they told me to turn my will over to the care of a HP. wtf are they talkin about? get the fuck outta my face bitch! as the days went on, drudgin, second by second, i knew if i left the house i would drink, i had to stay. i had to force myself to keep my fuckin mouth shut and stay!!! yes, i remember those days well. i was at the turnin point, i had to ask for His protection, somethin i had NO faith in, to help me. this was a decision. sit my ass down and go through this shit beggin somethin i didnt have any belief in anymore, to save me. i had tried half assed to do it before and i knew i didnt want to go back to those days again. as time passed, shit settled within. just a little was all i had to do, a little, thats it. well, that little worked. im here today with over 6,109 days without a drink, because i finally broke my will, a little. today, i still do it, break my self-will, a little each mornin of each day. i get to see Gods meanin in my life, and i gladly accept what He has to teach me. i would rather go through life sober, believin i am an alcoholic, than go through life drunk, tryin to convince myself that i am not. 1 day @ a time...
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corn fed not inbred michigan white trash...

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