my daily reflections…

i could not quit drinkin, nor could i alone quit the obsessions i had about it. today i understand the power of such a statement. to admit total loss of power and self-control, to actually look at and understand the unmanageability that surrounded my ass in all directions, was somethin i could not do while drinkin. i had allowed my perception and life views to be blinded and obscured by the alcohol i had been consumin. yesterday mornin at my hg meetin, as i listened, i got to hear about another alcoholic/addict who passed after the 1st time he had ever tried drugs, to be found later in his mothers attic. i got to hear the story of how one man had overdosed over 20 times and was still tryin to get recovery. i personally do not know how many times i may have overdosed while drinkin or doin drugs, but i am certain i had. i could not stop! drinkin and doin drugs became somethin i looked forward to. to think that i had been lucky enough to have awoken after some of the shit i had done, chills me to the bone today. honesty is the spiritual principle of step one. if i was to tell ya that it is honesty that made me come into the rooms this last time, i would be a liar. for it was not honesty, it was desperation. it was a sudden thought, or clarity of mind, that brought me to the rooms. my 1st week sober was not a pretty sight, and there are only a few things that i recall about it. as i look back and recall that 1st week, that 1st month, i can only say that it had to be somethin greater than i that directed me to the detox center and then the halfway house i would live in for the next 2 ½ years. today i can see how it had to be an act of providence that put me in a safe environment and had me stay there for as long as i did, as by my own will, ida drank myself to death. today i believe in puttin this day in the hands of God. as i pray for faith, so that nothin will upset me or weaken my determination to stay sober, i get to joyously embrace the concept of change. i get to remember how lost i once was, and how blessed i am to be able to honestly enjoy walkin amongst my fellows. i aint gotta sabotage myself today. 1 day @ a time...