i needed the others in the rooms who had quality recovery to point out to me when i was tryin to bullshit myself and them. the old timers, as i learned later, werent bein mean assholes, they were bein honest with me because they cared and loved me and had been where i was at once themselves. even as angry as i was, filled with enough self-loathin to let the overflow of it spill out and splash onto them, i had to keep my mouth shut and listen to what they had to say. i wasnt in the halfway house because i was on a fuckin winnin streak. and the emotions that drove me into the house werent ones of success and fortuity. what they were tryin to do was include me into the “WE” of this thing we do. and if i wanted the honesty they were showin and givin me to be a part of my life, i had to surrender, tolerate, and accept what they were sayin whether i wanted to or not. they taught me how to fully concede to my innermost self that i was an alcoholic. that the disease of alcoholism i had wasnt gonna just go the fuck away, no matter how hard i tried to ignore it, or wish it away. i had to learn to let the stubbornness and self-delusion i had let lead me go, if i wanted to have any of the honesty, they were teachin me to own. i found out that humility gave me the power i needed to overcome my ego and was a keyway to honesty, and vice versa. i learned that both these spiritual principles were of the good life and were actually healthy pride buildin elements. the old timers were teachin me how the miracle of recovery wasnt meant to be understood but experienced. that i wasnt as perfect as i thought i was and that there was growth in healthy confusion. i only had 1 person to blame for the place i found myself, and i had to finally be responsible enough to own it. i learned from those early days that the principles they were teachin me would help honesty keep me protected and stay connected. it was truly a revolutionary change for me. 1 day @ a time...
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