my daily reflections…

saturday mornin i was sittin in my hg meetin and a friend of mine mentioned that while she was out doin her dirt, she was always searchin for a spiritual experience while gettin high or drunk that she could never capture. that was so profound to me. i was able to immediately identify it and apply it to my own experience while out doin my dirt. all along the spiritual experience i sought was right in front of me and i couldnt even see it because i had been blocked by my spiritual malady. my search, sought by usin alcohol or drugs, made it so i could never find what i was lookin for. even as i tried to maintain a condition of a false reality, searchin for somethin i had been blocked from by my own doins, the use of alcohol and drugs, a spiritual experience was out there, i just went about findin it in the wrong ways. i didnt understand then that my self-will constantly blocked me from receivin any good. i always had the thought that if anythin good could come my way, it would be manifested by me. in truth, i was always at war with myself, i did shit i did not want to do, i was full of recklessness whether i was drunk or not, and full of fear and remorse when i was sober. in reality i was so full of broken resolves and frustrated hopes and plans that all i ever did was bang my head against a wall and it only made me emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually sicker. this all only made me invariably angry and resentful and i couldnt ever express these feelins in a healthy manner. when i did stop drinkin or gettin high, cause of lack of money, it didnt include acceptance of my disease; it only made me a victim of it. recovery gave me the tools and taught me how to accept the conditions i had faced and put myself into. it taught me to accept the fact that i have a chronic illness and that no amount of “discipline” and no magic cure would change that. the only thing i was left with was to try workin and livin the spiritual principles of recovery with the hope that a spiritual experience, brought on by the daily maintenance of my spiritual condition, would eventually produce what i had sought all my life. i had to learn to keep clear of the people, places, and things that distracted me so i could apply faith and grow in humility. avoidance of my problems was not the key, i had to face me and them head on. today i must still concede daily to my inner most self and that helps me to open the door towards spiritual awareness, which brings forth the spiritual experience i had always looked for. 1 day @ a time...