when i came into the rooms i was out of options. all i had tried to solve the problems within failed me. i needed to learn a new and different way to live with myself. step 4s dig into what and who i had become was overwhelmin. the honest willingness to dig in and actually feel the emotions i had been so afraid to feel if i dealt with em before my recovery reared its ugly head and had me tryin to balk. but i was tired of feelin that way mannn. my sponsor and others in the rooms reassured me that they would be there for me along the way. so, i dug in, i gave my tell. in doin so i had to rely heavily on the newly formed rel with my HP and sponsor. i needed to use the honesty, hope, faith, trust, and courage learned from the prior steps so i could open up, broaden my horizons, and give away what i had held within for decades. the past was the past, they were moments i was tired of tryin to relive into different conclusions. it just plain didnt work. if this was to be as promised, an end to my personal self-torture, than i had to give it up verbally. today i get to live the spiritual experience of doin such a tough thing. ive learned that much of what i had found out werent as damnin as i once thought they were. ive gotten to live protected and safe, and not only when i am in the harbor, because of this tell. its taught me how to have the protection and safety i need to live through the storms of life. ive learned that destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be achieved, it is a thing to be lived unplanned and uncontrolled, without expectation. i cant relive the past with a different outcome. i can cut my losses in hopes of learnin from em, how to be better next time. i can use the 12 steps manuscript for rational livin, deal with my problems when they occur so they dont pile up creatin more problems. when i live by my HPs guidance, recoverys spiritual principles, i get to experience the help available to me. i just have to open up to another. 1 day @ a time...
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