my daily reflections…

before i had done step 5, i had seen others who had done the 1, 2, 3, and out deal. and i would be a liar if i told ya i didnt feel the sense of freedom after i had been in the halfway house i was stayin in after a couple of months. but i watched those who got the sense of relief from chaos settlin down leave the facility and some not make it back. doin my step 4 personal inventory was hard enough, even as the chaos around me had settled too. what i learned was that since i had stopped creatin a majority of the shit storm that surrounded me, my life was gettin better. step 4, with my sponsors help, showed me areas about my character that i could not ignore if i wanted to get better. i had to address them. and a major piece to that addressin was givin the tell of what i had found to my sponsor. i didnt want to go back to all the shit i seen others goin through as they left before completin the steps. it was just on the other side of the door, all i had to do was take the step out the door. sounds easy enough, but what i was seein from others who did that, no longer interested me. i knew if i skipped any of the steps, i would NEVER get over drinkin or get over self. i reckon ya could say i was judgin others, but what i felt within wasnt judgin them personally, it was identifyin what they were experiencin and puttin my ass in their shoes. i had done the same exact thing they were doin in prior attempts to get sober and stay that way. and just like them, i failed each time. recognizin myself in them, goin through with step 5 didnt seem like such a high price to pay if i could get what i had seen others who had long term quality recovery get. it was still scary, i was still full of fear, but i reckon the fear and possible judgin was a healthy way to assess my outcome had i not gone through with my tell. through their failure and the ability to identify where i had gone wrong in my prior attempts, recognizin the pain within for what it was helped me accept that understandin was the reward of faith. therefore, if i sought not to be understood, but to understand, i could go through the tell and get better. happiness is the sense that one matters, today i get to sense the happiness, joy, and freedom from the terror of step 5 i once felt. today im not a pretty ridiculous individual directin everythin, because i swallowed my pride. 1 day @ a time...